Emotfit's Blog

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories.

John Wilmot, 17th Century British Noblemen

Parents get advice whether asked for or not. Most is well intended, but much is not particularly  useful.   When a problem seems intractable or is destroying family peace and harmony,  parents should and do seek advice.  Here are some things to think about when your own ideas aren’t working:

1. See advice as a suggestion only.
2. Know that advice is general and you and your child are individuals.  What applies generally may not be useful on an individual level.
3. Be open and flexible, but also critical.
4. Experiment until you find what works best for you.
5. Seek the advice of experienced parents.  One of the best selling books on how to be a parent was written by a male whose experience with children was living part-time with a step daughter
6. Family and friends tell you what worked for them.  If they are experienced parents, they may have ideas that are useful.  Even mothers and mother-in-laws  sometimes know a workable solution  or two.
7. Be careful when offered miracle solutions.
8. Know the bias of professional  advice givers.  There is  a great divide among those who offer parenting advice.   Three main groups offer professional advice.  One and currently the most popular are the  Soft Love approaches.  How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and  Parent Effectiveness Training (PET)  are examples of this approach.  PET wants parents and teachers to treat children as therapists treat clients and  states that  both criticism and praise  are ineffective parenting tools.  This group follows the philosopher Rousseau’s ideas about “Noble Savages” and the ills of civilization.  Included in this group are advisors who believe most strongly in attachment theory.  These see everything in terms of the parent/child relationship.

The opposing Tough Love camp teaches “Spare the rod and spoil the child.”  In term so psychological theory these follow the ideas of the behaviorists.  Dare to Discipline suggests paddling to deal with unacceptable behaviors.  The most extreme of these groups can be found in  Boot Camp programs.

The Medical Model is the third group and these gets less attention, but often hold the solution to more intractable problems.  If the advice of the other two groups is not helpful,  turn to this group and begin with good  medical, neurological and psychological  examinations.   You may have to push your pediatrician to move beyond a tendency to give quick reassurance.   No one likes to think a child has a major problem.  Understandable.  Also understandable that parents are often credited with being the first to know a child has a problem needing specialized help.  Not understandable that it can take two or three years before a pediatrician or family doctor makes a referral for a more thorough evaluation.   This is particularly true in speech delay or early school problems.    Early help is needed in both these areas.

1. Avoid advice givers who are parent blamers.  Parents are important, but only part of the equation needed to raise healthy children.  Once upon a time asthma was thought to be caused by “Smothering fearful mothers.”  Now it is known that an asthmatic child causes fear in mothers.   If advice starts making you feel guilty, unless you are guilty of child abuse, seek another advice giver.

My Approach

I think parents are far too often blamed for things beyond their control.   I think for the most part, parental instincts are on target.   At the same time, I know some ways parents create difficult problems and when the instinct is to “Belt him” it is dead wrong.

I think  children need to be heard, their feelings taken into account and that parents who can listen and support are extremely helpful in overcoming or learning to live with what cannot be changed.

I believe children need to learn to follow the rules.   In order to accomplish this a combination of Soft Love and Tough Love work best as long as the child has no brain conditions that are complicating the situation.  I do not think punishment is a dirty word.  I think abuse and punishment are too often confused.  An occasional spanking that leaves no marks is not abusive and used sparingly make a point words miss.

I don’t like labels, but only because labels stigmatize.  It is the stigma that is the problem.

My favorite parent advice comes from theses  people:

Jerome Kagan is my theoretical guru. A retired Harvard psychologist, He has written mostly professional books and challenges much of what passes for good advice.  He believes a child’s health growth depends on many, many factors.  He cites these eight as probably fairly  important.  This was taken from a lecture of his that I cannot now find.  He presents the factors in terms of developmental stages, meaning when they impact on the child or you for that matter.

1. Temperament. If you want to know what temperament means, think of puppies of different breeds.  The traits considered most important  for making up the human personality include:

• activity level – slow or hyped
• regularity – predictable or unpredictable  sleep, eating and other biological habits
• approach style – shy or bold
• adaptability – likes change and risk or doesn’t adjust easily to change
• threshold of response – sensitivity to various stimulations
• intensity or response – how loudly protests things
• quality of mood – generally happy or sad
• distractibility – attention span—how long stay at something generally
• persistence – willingness to keep trying when obstacles are present even if momentarily pulled off track.

1. Ordinal position within your family. Ordinal position affects your attitude toward legitimate authority. Are you trusting of authority, or are you rebellious?  First-borns, trust authority.  Later born children are more rebellious.
2. Identification.  Very important.  Family is the first source, social class comes next, ethnic and religious groups.  Also involves who we feel in our family we are most like—are we like angry Uncle Sam, or funny Aunt Martha.  This is perhaps one of the most important factors. Identifications  can make a child hurt  or  enhance his or her strengths.
3. What parents do. What parents do is important, but it is only one of eight factor Three things  parents do make a difference. One—persuading their child, he or she has  value.  Not there he or she is loved, but has value.  Two—being consistently restrictive or permissive the consistency seems to be what matters.  Three—deciding what standards to teach.  Faith?  Loyalty to family?  School achievement?  Honesty?  Popularity?  Winning? The Golden Rule?
4. School and social success. Lack of success in these makes your life harder, may make you more creative and more autonomous.  At the same time, not doing well in these  sphere’s lowers self esteem and can lead to giving up in general.
5. The size of the community you grow up in. In Who’s Who, just as first- borns are well represented, people who spent their childhood in towns under 100,000 are over represented. Gorbachev, Lincoln, Nixon, Reagan, all grew up in tiny towns, not Chicago, not where the aquariums are, not where the museums are, not where the best schools are. In a small town minimal  competence makes you a star, and so small towns are an advantage.
6. What historical era did you grow up in? If you are between twelve and twenty years of age when a major societal upheaval occurs, like the Depression or the protests of Viet Nam, then you’re really vulnerable. We know that if you were between twelve and twenty between 1930-1939, then you were influenced by the Depression in a profound way. You were worried about money. Your personality was fixed by that. If you were born five years later, then the depression didn’t impact.
7. Finally, there is chance. If you’re looking for what makes a person end up in a position of importance or unimportance, then do not rule out chance.  You can have a loving parent,  identify with  wonderful  people, grow up in a small town, all these things, but if you want to be governor, senator, or successful in some other way,  still need some luck.

Super Nanny gives the best advice for handling problems during the years from toddler to pre-teen.    You can get her book or watch reruns of some of her shows on Hulu.com.  Here is one:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/126019/supernanny-the-mann-family

This segment shows  what can happen when parents get frustrated because children have not learned the meaning of “No”.  The children are unhappy and the parents are so frustrated they slap and spank.  The parents were taught a tough love, paddle and spank misbehavior; this approached worked initially  but then stopped working.   (Almost every method that gets over used stops working.)  Super Nanny helped these out of control parents with out of control kids turn it around.  Easier said then done, but possible.

Dr. Thomas Phelan’s  One, Two, Three Magic approach is also a useful approach for the above age groups.   His best advice is to remind parents that  there is too much talking and not enough action.  He also points out that parents expect the reasoning that works with adults will work with children—it doesn’t.  Children are childten and need adults to be adults.   I’d start with one of   his book or the basic DVD.  Wish I could show you a clip, but couldn’t’ find one.  Here is the link to Dr. Phelan’s store and his many books.

http://www.parentmagicstore.com/All-Products/1-2-3-Magic-Parenting

Parent Effectiveness is most useful for teens who aren’t consistently out of control, using drugs, or breaking the law.  Warning: do not be guilted  by PET when you fail to always act like an impartial therapists Here is his link.

http://www.gordontraining.com/parentingclass.html

There are hundreds of other advice givers, these to my mind are the ones to start with.  Good luck and remember,  you might find my books helpful; you might want to consider and email consultation or a phone consultation.