Tag Archives: Emotional intelligence

HOW TO USE FEELING THERMOMETERS – SESSION EIGHT

Congratulations, you are now ready to move on to the second Emotional Fitness Training  Skill: Measuring Feelings. Go here for previous course sessions. 

Measuring happiness on a feeling thermometer

 You can get a free copy of this one by going here.

Why measure feelings? So you can spot when a bossy feeling is trying to take over and get you to do things you will regret.

Here is another feeling thermometer, this one measures stress leading to anger.

#emotionalintelligence blog post #anger management feeling thermometer

You can get a free copy of this one by going here.

To use either of these feeling thermometer’s, print the chosen one up, preferably in color and on card stock, but black and white and plain paper will do.  Post where you will see it most often during the day.  When you see it, take a quick calming breath, and note your feeling temperature.  Go on about your day.

What to do if your temperature is getting into the danger zone. Much more about that a bit later in the course.  For now, if anger is growing, slow down, take a break, breath calmly, use some positive self talk to stay calm, and do not do what anger suggests  instead think about how to act wisely.

If sadness is starting to take over, take action;  sadness is mostly a shut down emotion.  Doing  something productive defeats its efforts to pull you even further down; healthy action of any kind lifts your spirits.

Remember, if you are hurting yourself or others because a negative feeling keeps bossing you, get professional help, call 911 if you are thinking seriously of killing yourself or another. Otherwise call a professional crisis help line. Here is list of the many that are available:

WHAT’S NEXT

Next session: How to Create a Personal Feeling Thermometer. Why do you need to do that? Because all feelings are subjective and a general feeling thermometer like the two show here, do not capture your feelings as well as a personal one.

As always thank you for all you do including liking, commenting, or sharing.

Katherine

LINKS OF INTEREST

POST INSPIRATION: DAILY PROMPT

I often use these prompts to spark my posts.  They can also be used to improve your critical thinking is the heart of emotional intelligence.

You can think about them as they are stated or use them to spark other thoughts which is what I usually do. Most can be related to Emotional Fitness. How? Well here is the prompt that connects to this post. I’ll answer it and tell you how I relate it to Emotional Fitness.

Ready, set, done – Our ten-minute free-write is back! Have no mercy on your keyboard as you give us your most unfiltered self (feel free to edit later, or just publish as-is).

How this relates to emotional fitness and today’s post.  It doesn’t except that I start all my writing efforts by just letting my fingers do the walking, then I edit lots and still do not get it right.

As I have noted before, I have dysgraphia and am not rich enough to hire an editor, so my posts and other products are not perfect.  That makes me cringe when I find an error.

There is, however, good news.  My dysgraphia has been a major reason for  my eventually learning “Good enough” is “Good enough.” That helped me defeat shame.  For me “Good enough”  means if one of you stumbles through my errors and finds a bit of wisdom that is perfection for me.

FREE STUFF FROM EFTI

All the handouts for this course are being posted at the store so you can download them for free. You will find lots of other  offerings including inspirational quotes or more EFTI exercises. Go there and subscribe to be notified of new additions.

PRACTICE KINDNESS

Please rate this material. Doing so helps me ratings.  This is what your stars will mean to me. No stars – Not helpful. One star – Reinforced my knowledge. Two  Stars –  New  information.   Three stars – New useful information; Four stars- Very good.   Five stars – Excellent.

Thank you and stay strong.

HOW EMOTIONALLY FIT ARE YOU – A BRIEF TEST

This is not a research validated test, but a way to get you thinking about how well you handle negative feelings.  Thinking is a key emotional fitness skill.

The Emotional Fitness Game Plan involves being able to recognize when negative feelings are visiting you, measuring their strength so you can act quickly enough to keep the feeling from high jacking your brain and getting you to do things you regret.

What your scores mean.  Score a high of 40? Only happens if you are fudging or the Dali Lama.  Most people score somewhere between 20 and 30. Below 20, you might be currently dealing with a major trauma – addressed in question 7; or you might need more direct help, try the following.

  1. Boost your support team up with friends and family to  become each other’s cheer leaders.
  2. Subscribe to some daily support via the internet. Follow EFT’s blog for example.
  3. Find a  support group.  On line ones are available.
  4. Think about a life coach.
  5. Get some therapy
  6. Think medication as well as therapy.
  7. Making plans to kill or physically harm yourself or another? Call 911 now and ask  where to go for help.          

Too much stigma is attached to getting therapy.  It can be life saving. The problem is the right kind of therapy for the difficulties facing you.

That is too much to go into now, however, I do suggest looking for someone who sets SMART goals which uses a standardized feedback system to measure progress. Those who research such things say, you should see some movement toward your goal by the end of six sessions.  If not, they suggest seeking another therapist.

Use this test  to see if this  course makes a difference in your ability to handle negative feelings.  Take the test now, and jot down your score. Take it off and on as you take the course.  Generally, you start to gain better control after completing the first six sessions, but the best improvement should be seen after completing the self soothing skills section which comes after you learn to measure feelings.  Hopefully, your score will improve; if not, several things are possible:

  1. The course just isn’t working for you.
  2. You are not practicing the exercises enough.
  3. You need something more, get it, you deserve the good life.

I did not plan a post today.  Wednesday is catch up day and this morning I was trying to straighten out and improve the 101 Free Course.  The need for a quick measurement so you could see if the course was helping you, jumped out at me, hence this post.  So I am posting.

WHAT’S NEXT

Next session moves on to the Second skill – measuring feelings and will be devoted to teaching you how to create a personal feeling thermometer. Why do that, so you can spot when a bossy feeling is trying to take over and get you to do things you will regret.

As always thank you for all you do including liking, commenting, or sharing.

Katherine

P.S. This was P.S. was prompted by a reader who asked by question seven’s horrific events were given a five rating.  Good question. Here is why I did that:  Horrific events either destroy or make you stronger. Anyone taking this little test was not destroyed, is moving ahead and deserves to have recognition of that fact. Hence the five.

Do feel free to ask questions if something is unclear or confuses you. Rest assured it probably confuses others also.

LINKS OF INTEREST

POST INSPIRATION: DAILY PROMPT

I often use these prompts to spark my posts.  They can also be used to improve your critical thinking is the heart of emotional intelligence.

You can think about them as they are stated or use them to spark other thoughts which is what I usually do. Most can be related to Emotional Fitness. How? Well here is the prompt that connects to this post. I’ll answer it and tell you how I relate it to Emotional Fitness.

Imaginary Friend

Many of us had imaginary friends as young children. If your imaginary friend grew up alongside you, what would his/her/its life be like today? (Didn’t have one? write about a non-imaginary friend you haven’t seen since childhood.)

How this relates to emotional fitness and today’s post.  Only in the sense that I think our inner voices are left over friends and in many ways and can become  helpful friends.  I write hoping to become such a friend.

FREE STUFF FROM EFTI

All the handouts for this course are being posted at the store so you can download them for free. You will find lots of other  offerings including inspirational quotes or more EFTI exercises. Go there and subscribe to be notified of new additions.

PRACTICE KINDNESS

Please rate this material. Doing so helps me ratings.  This is what your stars will mean to me. No stars – Not helpful. One star – Reinforced my knowledge. Two  Stars –  New  information.   Three stars – New useful information; Four stars- Very good.   Five stars – Excellent.

Thank you and stay strong.

Cartoon IMAGE BY ponderingprinciples  all others by EFTI.

HOW TO PROPERLY NAME FEELINGS – SESSION SEVEN

A rose by any other name” may smell just as sweet, but feelings need to be named properly so you can act wisely.

Feelings fool us.

Improperly named feelings fool us all at least some of the time.

Many feelings mask other less acceptable feelings.  Anger almost always is used to hide shame, hurt, or fear.   Here’s a challenge. Think carefully about the last time you got rip-roaring mad.  What did you feel right before the anger visited?

If you cannot find an igniting feeling, think more deeply.  Think mostly about if what happened right before anger visited that made you a doubting Thomasina or a challenged Charlie, can you name that thing.

Uncertainty about your worth as a person creates pain and that pain can become anger.  It can also become shame and then shame can become anger, self-hatred, or despair about your worth.

Reality check about shame:  One group of therapists believe parents are the main source of shame.   This has created a problem for everyday  parents and their kids, but big bucks for many therapists.   The problem?

Actually, there are two problems prompted by this group. The first is confusing good enough although hurtful parenting with abusive parenting. Parents have two major responsibilities. Keeping a child safe and teaching the child what is needed to get along in the real world.  Doing so cannot be done without a bit of parental behavior that inflicts pain.

Here’s a common example.  Even the most nurturing parent, one who is always calm, cool and collected, will throw a hissy fit if a toddler is running toward the street.  Most will swat the child’s behind if they catch the child before a car punishes the child.  The parent’s fear has turned to anger.

This thinking has also lead to seeing punishment as abuse. Punishment is a useful behavior shaping tool; only abuse punishments are abusive.

Here’s another example. One you will get easily.  It is a common complaint of many.  You worked very hard to get good grades. You got three A’s and one B.  Your loving parents shrugged off the A’s and asked why the B. You are hurt by the unfairness of your parent’s asking about the B and not praising the A. Criticism that seems unfair almost always creates resentment.

The second problem is also connected with the first problem.  That problem? Over-sensitivity to useful pain particularly useful shame.  Shame was designed by nature to keep people from doing the unthinkable.

This view of shame is put forth by Jerome Kagan, Harvard human development researcher.  It will make sense to any of you with a younger sibling.  He says shame starts visiting us when we are about three years old. Also at that time, younger siblings get big enough to start messing in your stuff and making you  a bit pissed off.  Shame keeps you from killing the interfering brat, and keeps you from the sin of Cain who did kill his brother Abel.

The only reason to feel shamed is if you are doing the unforgivable. What is unforgivable – hurting or killing another being, depriving another of what they need to live.

Properly naming feelings puts you in control. As Starhawk, an Ameican writer points out: “What we name must answer to us; we can shape it if not control it.

That is enough to explain the reason why naming feelings is part of feeling awareness. Here are the directions for how to do it.

Naming a feeling

WHAT’S NEXT

Next session moves on to the Second skill – measuring feelings and will be devoted to teaching you how to create a personal feeling thermometer. Why do that, so you can spot when a bossy feeling is trying to take over and get you to do things you will regret.

As always thank you for all you do including liking, commenting, or sharing.

Katherine

LINKS OF INTEREST

POST INSPIRATION: DAILY PROMPT

I often use these prompts to spark my posts.  They can also be used to improve your critical thinking is the heart of emotional intelligence.

You can think about them as they are stated or use them to spark other thoughts which is what I usually do. Most can be related to Emotional Fitness. How? Well here is the prompt that connects to this post. I’ll answer it and tell you how I relate it to Emotional Fitness.

Grand Slam: The World Series starts tonight! In your own life, what would be the equivalent of a walk-off home run? (For the baseball-averse, that’s a last-minute, back-against-the-wall play that guarantees a dramatic victory.)

How this relates to emotional fitness and today’s post.  Any feeling that I can keep from bossing me is a home run. Naming the feeling adds to my chance of rounding the bases.

FREE STUFF FROM EFTI

All the handouts for this course are being posted at the store so you can download them for free. You will find lots of other  offerings including inspirational quotes or more EFTI exercises. Go there and subscribe to be notified of new additions.

PRACTICE KINDNESS

Please rate this material. Doing so helps me ratings.  This is what your stars will mean to me. No stars – Not helpful. One star – Reinforced my knowledge. Two  Stars –  New  information.   Three stars – New useful information; Four stars- Very good.   Five stars – Excellent.

Thank you and stay strong.

Cartoon IMAGE BY ponderingprinciples  all others by EFTI.

MORE FEELING CLUES – SESSION SIX

Hope you are hanging in with this lengthy introduction to feeling clues. As noted previously, the earlier you notice a feeling has come calling the better.

Anger banging to get into your heart and head.

If you wait until anger gets door pounding mad, you are in danger of being bossed and doing something you regret. This is the last of the feeling clues posts.

FEELING FEELING CLUES:  Often one feeling starts another feeling.  Pain can start anger so can fear.  Fear is often fear of a future pain.  Uncertainty, a form of fear, can create anger, despair, or depression; blame uncertainty  on someone or something else and anger grows; blame it on yourself and depression visits; cannot explain blame or explain  and despair comes calling.

TIME RELATED FEELING CLUES:   Some feelings only exist at certain times.  Getting off to work or school often finds negative feelings gathering.   So think about the feeling in question and when it is mostly like to take over.

SITUATIONAL FEELING CLUES:  What situations create opportunities for a feeling to gain the upper hand? Social events might make shyness take over. Competative sporting events might give way to aggression. a

ACTIONS: Do you yell, want to break things, or smash your hand against the wall or worse assault someone when angry?   Do you makes fists, start to shake, call names?  Which of these or other actions do you take when the feeling starts to visit.

FUTURE OUTCOME HOPES:  What do you want to be the end result after the feeling comes visiting?  Do you fantasize revenge? Do you see yourself as a super hero, right wrongs?  Do you see your self staying strong and keeping the feeling from bossing you.? Of course, the last option is the best.

However,  here’s something to think more deeply about, thoughts are not actions.  Some religions make thoughts and actions equivalent in order to build a bigger  wall around problematic actions. Nevertheless, they are not the same. That said, thoughts both serve as a feeling clue and also urge action.

What to do? See thoughts urging unacceptable behaviors.  See those as  sign to take care, step away. Feelings want action, but the experts say not acting without thinking is best. Very few situations require immediate action. Much more about that later in the course. For now, hone your ability to recognize when a feeling is first visiting you, so you can say walk away.

Here’s a handout to help.  Use it to organize your feeling clues regarding the feeling you most want to control.

101 feeling clue summary ho

You will complete future exercises easier and more effectively if you take pen to paper on this one.  Remember all the course exercises are available as a free down load at the EFTIstore although it may take a day or two after the post to see them there. Sorry about that. Doing what I can.

How to use feeling clues preventively. As soon as you notice a negative feeling is knocking at your heart or brain, start any of one the 12 Daily  Emotional Fitness Exercises. They all sooth and that helps keep negative feelings in their place. You will learn more about these in time, but can get a jump start on them by going to EFT’s Easy Exercises.

Next up.  How to decode all the feeling clues so you properly name what is happening.

As always thank you for all you do including liking, commenting, or sharing.

Katherine

LINKS OF INTEREST

POST INSPIRATION: DAILY PROMPT

I often use these prompts to spark my posts.  They can also be used to improve your critical thinking which is the heart of emotional intelligence.

You can think about them as they are stated or use them to spark other thoughts which is what I usually do. Most can be related to Emotional Fitness. How? Well here is the prompt that connects to this post. I’ll answer it and tell you how I relate it to Emotional Fitness.

Circuitous Paths   A stranger knocks on your door, asking for directions from your home to the closest gas station (or café, or library. Your pick!). Instead of the fastest and shortest route, give him/her the one involving the most fun detours.

How this relates to emotional fitness and today’s post.  Feelings often take circuitous paths in their efforts to gain entry. Often the best way to subvert such a feeling is find something to laugh about; other useful control efforts involve being kind or looking for the lesson to be learned.

FREE STUFF FROM EFTI

Go to the EFTI store and browse its offerings for inspirational quotes or exercises. Go there and subscribe to be notified of new additions.

 PRACTICE KINDNESS

Please rate this material. Doing so helps me ratings.  This is what your stars will mean to me. No stars – Not helpful. One star – Reinforced my knowledge. Two  Stars –  New  information.   Three stars – New useful information; Four stars- Very good.   Five stars – Excellent.

Thank you and stay strong.

IMAGE BY 150 Folk Songs