Tag Archives: Health

5 Better Sex Tips Based on Some Secrets About Sex

The fighting, fleeing, and feeding survival instincts build into our genes have a fourth partner  that in less polite language also begins with and the letter F.

Five jokes about sex.

I hope you laughed.  And apologies that they  were more biased toward women.  I selected them as I do most jokes, to give you more than a laugh. Humor gives us food for thought.

As the jokes should indicate the not so secret thing about sex is that  the act of intercourse has different meanings for the participants.

The secret not often discussed? Sex is not designed for our personal enjoyment. Yes, if you are lucky, it is a joyous experience, delightful to both participants. However, unlike fighting, fleeing, and feeding, fu—–g has little to do with personal survival or pleasure; it is the creator’s way of assuring survival of the human race.

Species survival requires babies, but also babies who will be cared for. Men are driven by their penises to create babies, women are driven by a greater sensitivity to seeing that the young survive.

Any woman who has a baby knows that her desire for sex often flees after the child’s birth; sometimes it returns, often it doesn’t. A painful birth, an unwanted child, an unloving relationship add to the likelihood intercourse will be low on a woman’s “must do list.”

As the last  joke points out, however, deprived of sex generally makes men meaner. It also makes seeking a new partner more likely.

This link at the Live Science web site notes that the  hormone most driving sex is testosterone. The article  details the following facts:

  1. Testosterone is a steroid. Remember steroids increase strength and aggressiveness
  2. Testosterone makes men manly and able to have sex.
  3. Woman have testosterone, but at a much lower level than men.
  4. Testosterone levels are highest during the teen years and early twenties  and decrease as the man ages.

These facts explain the difference between men and woman, but how those difference play out in real life are greatly influenced both by culture and  testosterone failure.

Henry VIII’s failing testosterone was probably as much to explain the beheading of several of his wives as was their failure to produce a son. And that was his failure – men determine the sex of a baby.

Also important to note in the saga of Henry’s life and the killing of his wives,  was his putting aside of Anne of Cleves. That was a political marriage . She was a princess, the marriage was political.

Main point? Because she was  not a wife he selected based on who spoke to his penis, he could not be aroused by her.  Because she the marriage was political, she was not beheaded and the marriage was annulled  because it was not consummated. Henry blamed her for that, but at least he spared her life. Moreover, after the annulment she was referred to as Henry’s beloved sister, and ultimately, she outlived Henry and his other wives.

Many men are not so generous to women who do not speak to their penises. What is a combination of testosterone and early cultural imprinting about what constitutes a sexy woman plays a strong part in what arouses men.

Arousal is more controlled by nature than by the person. Leads to  problems.

First problem: Men are  prone to blaming women for not arousing them. This often leads to the search for newer partners. That search often involves what called forth arousal during the days of their youth. Explains why many men look for partners that resemble early sexual encounters.  Also may play a part in some who become gay. But that is a topic for another blog post.

Second problem: Culture  plays a part about what is okay in terms of sex, as well as what turns you on.  In terms of what terms you on, just think for a minute about in many cultures fat was a sign of wealth and so fat was considered sexually attractive.

More destructive cultural beliefs abound. In many societies raping slaves, wives, and  prisoners of war was, and still under Sharia Law, not just acceptable but promoted. Many such societies also approved raping children and in some cases animals. Finally, in our “enlightened” world views, many societies approve of same sex relationships while others behead or stone same sex lovers. Culture at work.

Third Problem; Culture became a stronger force for restraints on women’s sexual behaviors when it was realized men played a role in procreation. Men wanted to be certain a child a woman carried was his and not some one else’s.  In early Roman days, wives had to be sexually virtuous, while men could dabble sexually wherever they wished.

Fourth  problem: Women are blamed and punished for arousing a man’s penis when he either cannot do anything (erectile dysfunction) or culture demands abstinence.   

The push for women to dress modestly so men will not be aroused is the most potent example of this. At the extreme end of this are those cultures who insist a woman be covered from head to toe and feel free to rape or behead a woman immodestly dressed.

Getting aroused when culture dictates you cannot act on the arousal creates fear of being a bad person; for men it has been all to easy to blame the woman rather than nature’s push for procreation or their own sexual needs.

I think LBJ was on target when he suggested it was men’s responsibilty to ” Keep their pecker’s in their pockets.”

Fifth problem: The veneration of chastity, abstinence, and celibacy. My personal opinion is that this started with impotent old men who had political power but either never could get it up or had lost the power to get it up. Certainly, Christianity’s veneration of  celabacy, abstinence, and female chastity. It began with St. Paul. Formerly Saul of Tarsus, he changed Judaism to fit his need to promote and sell Christianity. He was by then middle aged and I suspect prone to impotence. If not him, do remember that most of the power brokers throughout history have been men who survived youth and so as time went on became less and less physically potent.

Sex  at its best is a joyful experience for all.  Nature wants us to procreate, and  knows pleasure is a potent motivator.


Emotional training tip one: Knowledge is power, it is particular important for both men and women to understand the difference in how nature programmed them to procreate.  At its simplest knowing that men have to get it up and woman on the other hand can be aroused to want sex by the act, opens pathways to better understanding.

Men have to stop blaming woman for both arousing and not arousing them.

Women have to stop waiting to want to have sex, and be ready and willing when a partner they are involved with wants it.

Emotional fitness tip two: Know and abide by Emotional Fitness Training’s Safe Sex Rules. Originally designed to help parents teach preteens and teens about sex, they apply to all.


Emotional Fitness Training tip three:  Learn the Joys of Sex. This book was a best seller during the free love time before AIDS dimmed the joy. The main point is that good sex is a skill that both participants need to develop. The sex therapists start with having you learn to pleasure yourself.

Yes, that does mean masturbating. The extremes of the anti-sex fanatics surfaced recently when a religious fanatic told masturbating men they were going to be punished in the after life by having their fingers become pregnant.

Laughable to most of us,  but the prohibition against the Big M remains so strong that is not talked about as a way to  help prolong abstinence or prevent AIDS.

Emotional fitness training tip four: Realize the happier  your partner, the better the sex. 

Emotional fitness training tip five: Maximize the other pleasures in close relationships.  Here’s another joke, I found when researching this article.

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

One of the gains for woman should definitely be the pleasure of giving pleasure, even when not in the mood. One of the gains for men, not in giving jewels to a partner, but in giving sexual pleasure.


Remember sharing is caring and the easiest way to practice kindness is to share this post if you found it helpful.  Share it even if it doesn’t speak to you, it will speak to some. Didn’t like it?  Comment and tell me why and how to improve.


Emotional Fitness Training Business: As this post shows, I am no longer including a Post Inspiration Connection at the end of my posts. If I were to do so, here would be Today’s link Nightmares. 

I would like your opinion on whether my former efforts to include a post inspiration link added or subtracted from your rating of my EFTI posts.


These links are for those not familiar with Emotional Intelligence or the idea of Emotional Fitness.

Three Ways to Be the Best You

First think about this: being loved for who you appear to be is not love at all. Appearances matter little when it comes to true love.

Beauty rocks and roots (2)

Here’s a joke on my. Hubby had a mustache. Shaved it off. Did I notice? No. Three days with a naked upper lip and he finally asked me if I missed his stache.

Emotional fitness thoughts

John Newmark,  a Facebook friend, pointed me to the definition: “In political jargon, useful idiot is a term for people perceived as propagandists for a cause whose goals they are not fully aware of, and who are used cynically by the leaders of the cause. ”

Applies to all of us as the sellers of things and purveyors of hope well know.  What to do?

Emotional fitness tip one: Be aware, think more particularly about what matters.  Make doing good your everyday fashion.

Emotional fitness tip two: Consciously practice imperfection. Wrote about that a day or five or more ago.

Emotional fitness tip three: Do hold to some standards. Not every thing matters, but it kindness to others means respectful dress and hygiene.

Parenting tips

These will now be included in as  a link of interest. Some will point to a related Parents Are People Blog and some to other parenting advice I have found of value. Today’s link: Things parents of small children should not worry about. 


Remember sharing is caring and the easiest way to practice kindness is to share this post if you found it helpful.  Share it even if it doesn’t speak to you, it will speak to some. Didn’t like it?  Comment and tell me why and how to improve.

Thank you.


POST INSPIRATION:  Today’s WordPress Daily prompt: How important are clothes to you? Describe your style, if you have one, and tell us how appearance impacts how you feel about yourself.

One of my favorite students had perfected balancing appearance and who she was.  She had a small wardrobe: Black pants, black shirt, black shoes and socks, black outer wear.  Her hair was gray, long and simply pulled togethered and fastened on top of her head.

I am trying to get there. I wear my hair as she does. I wear no make up most of the time, and hope  soon to have a uniform set of black pants, off set with colorful tops and sweaters or jackets of black.

However, I do not begrudge those who can and do buy the latest fashions. I do wish they would pay full price, and donate last year’s stuff to the thrift shops. Why? Keeps the economy going and people employed.



Three Tools Used by Talented Procrasinators

How talented procrastinators turn “To Do’s” into “Done.”

Joking aside, knowing when and how to procrastinate keeps your “To Do” list from ruling you. Procrastination is a skill and skills are learned tools for living the good life.  The following emotional fitness tips highlight the best tools of the Professional Procrastinator: Knowing what matters, practicing imperfection, and having strong self-soothing skills.

Emotional fitness tip one: Know what matters. What matters most is doing your best to bring Peace on Earth. Not what the advertizers and sales people want you to believe. Dis-satisfaction creates sales opportunities.

However, working to make the world a better place is  what both the sages of the ages and the modern researchers know leads to  the good life. Doing so is what Emotional Fitness Training means by The Mission.

Using rating scales keeps you focused most clearly on what matters.  Anything and everything can be rated. Here is proof of that:

A Rating Scale

The simplest way to work toward Peace on Earth is to practice kindness and gratitude.  Every time you sincerely thank someone for what they do for you and others makes them appreciated and that is what all seek.

I make it a point to thank all the police, servicemen and garbage collectors I meet when  out and about. I also find something nice to say to those who serve me fast food or ring up my groceries, hold a door for me, or in any other way give me a gift of kindness.  The smiles I get in return warm me.

Emotional fitness tip two: Practice Imperfection.  This aids in holding to The Mission. No one person can bring Peace on Earth.  However, every person can bring a bit of peace to the bit of earth they occupy.   That requires thinking not perfect, but “Good enough” or “The best I can do right now.”

Practicing imperfection is easier if one takes the time to focus on the small acts that you can do easily and well enough to make a difference. Across all ages various sages have known and preached this:

Lao Tzu said: Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

Then there was body builder Charles Atlas who said, “Step by step and the thing is done.”

Then along came Warren Buffet who made billions and noted, “I don’t look to jump over 7-foot bars: I look around for 1-foot bars that I can step over.”

Finally, more recently Thich Nhat Hanh also suggests the smallest step mattered, “Every breath we take, every step we make, can be filled with peace, joy and serenity.”

Worry not about doing things perfectly, just do what you can the best you can, but always with the greater good in mind.

Emotional fitness tip three: Strengthen self soothing skills.  Practicing Imperfection and holding to the Mission are not easily accomplished tasks.  EFTI’s eBook    Self-soothing, Creating Calm in You Life, is this blog post’s sale pitch.  Remember EFTI’s eBooks all cost less than a movie, most less than a latte.  Also remember you can get a tool from Amazon that lets you read any eBook sold there in a desktop or Ipad or cell phone.  Here is a free and  quick introduction to Emotional Fitness Training Easy Exercises.

Parenting tip

As usual practice all of the above, then teach each skill to your child as appropriate to her or his age and stage. The best way to start is teaching your child how to rate things as soon as s/he begins to toodle; then each hurtful fall becomes a teachable moment.  Go here for a related  Parents Are People Blog post.


Remember sharing is caring and the easiest way to practice kindness is to share this post if you found it helpful.  Share it even if it doesn’t speak to you, it will speak to some. Didn’t like it?  Comment and tell me why and how to improve.

Thank you.


POST INSPIRATION:  This  WordPress Prompt which was:  Those Dishes Won’t Do Themselves: What’s the household task you most dislike doing? Why do you think that is — is it the task itself, or something more?

The something more relates to this post which is the failure when I procrastinate of someone else – hubby for example, to step up to the plate and to it for me. My solution with it comes to many a house hold task is to practice imperfection and calming self-talk.

Links of INterest







Emotional fitness tip one: Practice imperfection. Think good enough, when obsessed with getting anything a bit more perfect.  Use “Good enough” as a mantra.

Emotional fitness tip two: Rate how near enough is good enough.  Here’s the Rating Scale poster.

Rating scale poster

Emotional fitness tip three: Improve your ability to see when perfectionism is playing a part in your life.  Challenge delusions of perfection on the media and in real life.  Look for twisted thinking in all media.  Look for people seeking perfection and say gently, “Good enough seem best in this situation” or something to that effect.

Emotional fitness tip four:  Continue to pursue the best you can be. We need goals and ideals are part of setting a goal. However, all goals must be based on a realistic picture of your abilities. If you sing off tune, you will not become the next Voice or American Idol.

Emotional fitness tip five: Focus on your life’s mission rather than the everyday goals that might not matter in the long run. Think about buying my ebook How to Know Your Mission So You Can Reach Your Goals. It will cost you $2.99 which is less than a latte and a bit more important in living the good life.

Parenting advice

Delusions of perfection are particularly painful because it taps into childhood’s reservoir of shame. According to  Jerome Kagan, human development specialist, children struggle with shame as they enter the threes. That is when children realize while  powerless over some things, they are quite capable of doing the unthinkable over younger or weaker beings.

For a three-year old the unthinkable is the desire to do away with the people who keep you from doing what you want.  The only ones you have power over at that age are younger siblings and small animals.  Kagan points out a strong counter emotion is needed to keep from acting on violent impulses which is why shame emerges at this particular age and stage.

Also at that age any failure to do something perfectly creates shame, not being good enough.  Shame is all about having to be perfect and fearing other people’s response when you are imperfect.

First parenting tip: Say “Good try” twice as often as you say “Try harder.”

Second parenting tip: If you child is engaged in competitive sports, counter The Winning is everything mentality with “Having fun is winning even when you lose.”

Third parenting tip: Teach rating scales early on.

Fourth parenting tip: With those moving into the changing thoughts of adolescence engage in conversations about what matters, sweating the small stuff.

Fifth parenting tip:  Children of all ages can be caught up in perfectionism.  Be alert to the possibility a child perfectionism is leading to the mental health disorder called  OCD. Here is a handout, I used when teaching a Challenging Children Course.

OCD quidelines

This is an information guide, if you are worried, about a child talk to a competent mental health professional, share this handout with him or her.


Remember sharing is caring and the easiest way to practice kindness is to share this post if you found it helpful.  Share it even if it doesn’t speak to you, it will speak to some. Didn’t like it?  Comment and tell me why and how to improve.

Thank you.


POST INSPIRATION from this Word Press Daily Post Prompt: Idyllic – what does your ideal community look like? How is it organized, and how is community life structured? What values does the community share?

Obviously, I want an imperfect but good enough community that practices tolerance and is kind to all. Stay strong all and remember what matters.