Tag Archives: Inspiration

BETRAYED? HOW TO HOLD ON TO THE GOOD

Everyone betrays someone even those they love the most. Forgiveness remains the only way out of the hell of hatred betrayal creates.

FORGIVENESS

You betray, I betray, we all betray. You betray when you violate a contract that causes deep pain or conflict to the other person or people affected. The contract can be presumed or verbal agreed to  or written and signed by both parties.

Do you remember the first time you felt betrayed by someone you loved? Parents are usually the first, but what feels like parental  betrayal is not recognized  by the very young as such.

Why?  Because children believe  do not have the sense of fairness required to correctly label a betrayal.  Might makes right rules their world.  It is when we hit our teens, that we can contemplate more abstract ideas like what is fair and realize we have been betrayal.

When I was a teen my best friend went after a boy she know I was interested in.

“Not fair,” I cried.

“All’s fair in love and war,” she replied.

Perhaps that should not be “All’s fair.”  Howver, the lesson I took from this betrayal was that people are such that they will always seek their heart’s need whether it is fair or not.  My friend might have chosen to leave the field clear for me, then she would have betrayed her heart.  A conundrum. Betraying others is part of being human, not the best part but often an understandable one. Our friendship survived because her explanation made sense to me at the time and we were able to talk about it.

Sometimes we betray out of weakness, sometimes out of strength, mostly due to conflicting needs, but in time we all betray. Even the most loving couples eventually face death and that is life’s ultimate betrayal.

Emotional fitness tip one: The betrayals  of those we love starts when we lie to ourselves or to the loved one.  There is a phenomena amoug marriage counselors known as  “Runaway wives.”  Husband do it too.  It starts with not being honest about who you are and your feelings.

Emotional fitness tip three: Know yourself, so you can be honest about your needs. Betrayal is often kindness or conflict avoidance taken too far.

Emotional fitness tip four:  Don’t let hurts fester. forgiveness requires a philosophy that softens hatred through understanding. My father hated and feared conflict; he was the shining example of “If you cannot say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” He also managed not to let what hurt him about my mother fester.

How did he do that?  At  some point in his life he apparently decided to forgo revenge and to let go of hate. He did this by the belief  the other person would suffer more in the long run.  Bishop Tutu’s definition of forgiveness is not seeking revenge. My father had never heard of Tutu, but was wise, however, also letting his need for peace rule him and not always to his benefit.

Emotional fitness tip five: Forgiveness cannot be practiced when emotional and physical safety have no been not established. Physical assault,  whether the torture of oppressive regimes, child, or partner abuse is the easiest example of the need for safety; ongoing emotional abuse is less easily defined, but is unrelenting blaming, coldness and attacking the others self-worth.

Emotional fitness tip six: Learn and practice the art of forgiveness.

PARENTING TIPS

Divorce is one  way parents betray children into today’s world of easy come and easy go marriage.  But there are lots of other ways.  As noted above even those who love you the most betray. I remember when I finally figured out my father, the only person I worshiped well into adulthood and who I  know loved me unconditionally,  had betrayed me.

How? My mother was given to horrible pre-menstrual temper tantrums. I was often her victim. To her credit she never got physically violent, but her emotional outbursts sent me to my room weeping uncontrollable. In time she would calm down and my father would come and reunite the two of us.  How was that betrayal?

I don’t think he could have stopped her rages, but he could have told  know it was her problem, that she was wrong but at the mercy of her own needs.  That would have made all the difference to me. It was a therapist who helped me understand that and so forgive and go on. My father did the best he could, so did my Mom, and so do all of us.

There are times, however when the best is just not enough to keep us from betraying those we love.  What to do?

Parenting tip one: Betray as little as possible. Practicing kindness helps.

Parenting tip two: Own up when you are betraying another. As always your behavior models what your children follow most strongly.

Parenting tip three:  Try to do better.  If you cannot  do better, own that you are at fault.  The most common way out of the guilt of knowing we are hurting another is finding fault with the other  — the blame game.  Children of divorce say the bad mouthing or arguing and blaming of the other parent hurt more than the  divorce.

Parenting tip four: Teach your children life is not fair, betrayals happen.

Parenting tip five:  Teach your children to practice kindness, the art of apologizing, and how to forgive.

Parenting tip six: Improve your child’s self soothing skills.

improve your critical thinking skills

DAILY PROMPT  Undo: If you could un-invent something, what would it be? Discuss why, potential repercussions, or a possible alternative.

If I could undo anything, it would be the very human need to put on what I call a faux self.  We have many selves and our faus selves are often attempts to be kind or to avoid conflict. Understandable, but in the long run you betray yourself and often others.  Why learning to be who you are, say what needs saying, but not saying it means matters most.

Your ideas?

LINKS OF INTEREST

BE KIND TO ME

Please rate this material. Doing so helps my social media ratings, but also lets me know what interests you most. Comments do the same.

This is what your stars will mean to me. No stars –Not good enough to rate; One star – Reinforced my knowledge –  Two Stars; New information –  Three stars;  New useful information; Four stars – Very good; Five stars – Excellent.

Thank you and work at staying strong until next time,. I work hard to do the same as life is often difficult but staying strong lets me find some good every day..

Katherine

FIND THE MIRACLES

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”  Albert Einstein

Beauty rocks and roots (2)

For there to be life, trees, flowers, grass, roots must find their way through the darkness of the earth and often through rock.  The religions  scholars define a miracle as something that cannot be explained by the laws of nature.

So when you find a dandelion pushing its way through a crack you cannot see in your driveway, you do not think miracle.  The miracle of flowers growing in cement or even  a tree pushing through cement, asphalt,  or a rock seems common place. Most of the time we do not see a miracle in that dandylion and all too often think of it as just a weed and troublesome at that.

But think about it in terms of the miracle of creation, and hopefully, you understand what Einstein was saying . We diminish all that is and that includes our well-being when fail to see the miracle of life.

Whether you reject the idea of a creator and think all that is is accidental you miss much by ignoring the wonder of it all. Morever, you limit your emotional strength. When you are in touch with the miraculous, you know what matters, you feel blessed by what you have been given at this moment in time, you live with greater awareness  and greater gratitude.

In the rush and turmoil of today’s life finding the miracles requires some diligence.  This is most true when we are facing a stone wall of sadness. or are failing to find our way.  What to do? This quick and easy emotional fitness exercise improves your odds of doing as Einstein suggests.

  1.  Turn off all electronic distractions. Get comfortable.Take a minute to  breathe softly and slowly.
  2.  Don’t try to control anything, just breathe and notice how it feels to breathe in and then out.
  3. Think of a starry, starry night. Imagine looking up into the heavens.  Imagine all that has been created.  Think about all the stars like our star.  Think of all the possible unknown worlds above us, below us, around us.  Wonder. Breathe. Smile gently.
  4. Think of a garden. Think of the flowers.  Think of the bees, the butterflies, the birds.  Think of the soil, the ground that supports the life that grows in it and walks on it.  Think of all the life within the soil.  The moles, other creatures, some too small to be seen, that crawl through the dirt and darkness so plants can grow.    Wonder.  Breathe. Smile softly.
  5. Think of your body. Think of the how skin covers muscles, bones hold us erect.  Think about your blood flowing through our veins.  Think of how you move, how you think.  Think of how one person connects to another to create life.    Wonder.  Breathe.Think of how you are part of this marvelous whole. You are one with the stars,  you are one with the earth, you are one with all others. Wonder, Breathe.  Be grateful.
  6. Lace your fingers together, palms facing out.Take a deep breath, reach out and up with your arms, hold for a count of five,Slowly breathe out while you lower your arms, unlace your fingers.think of the wonders of breathing, moving, being.  smile gently and softly say, “Thank You.”

Warning: Only do the physical stretching if you are free of back problems or other medical conditions that might call for caution.  If in doubt ask your doctor, and drop that part of the exercise until you get medical approval.

This exercise can be completed in two minutes or less; longer and slower is better.

If the exercise does not relax and comfort you more might be needed. What is needed most often is practice.  K. Anders Ericsson, world recognized expert on experts, notes that to star at any skill thousands of repetitions are required adding up to years of intensive effort.

The good news for learning this exercise is that once learned it can be completed in two minutes or less.  Longer and slower is best, but not necessary.

Don’t feel finding the time to practice is possible, then your life is pushing you toward a dangerous stress level or sadness and pain are calling, the more you have practiced this Emotional Fitness exercise, you more you are sustained when you most need sustaining.

Parenting tip

Model your belief in the miraculous. Then consciously teach your child to seek beauty; finally,  as s/he grows in understanding discuss how all is a miracle and teach the exercise you just learned.

IMPROVE YOUR THINKING SKILLS NOW

How? Answer this DAILY PROMPT  Clone Wars   If you could clone yourself, how would you split up your responsibilities?

My thoughts: One of the miracles of life is that even identical twins quickly become un-cloned although similar in some things.  Our genes – how we would be cloned remain the same, but two things change who we become. Our various personal experiences and then the beliefs we create from those experiences.

Of course, it would be nice to have a near clone that I could assign to be my commputer tech and one who had been genetically modified to become an error free editor (I have dysgraphia and why you see errors here and there that spell child does not catch. So a clone will not work.

However, maybe, there will be a money miracle coming my way and I can hire a non-clone to take on the things I cannot do so well.

LINKS OF INTEREST

FREE POSTER COACHES 

Don’t think you can afford a life coach? Like a life coach, EFTI’s poster coaches inspire, teach, motivate, and reinforce thinking about what matters.  To use, print up in color and post there it will be seen often.  Poster Coaches can also be used at  Family Meetings to start a discussion about what matters.

 THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO

Keep working to stay strong, I work hard to do the same . As noted above,  I am not perfect, no one is and this week;s post will be all about praising imperfection.

Remember’s sharing is caring and the easiest way to practice kindness, another Easy Emotional Fitness Exercise is to share this post if you found it helpful.  Thank you.

Katherine

 

HOW FAITH HELPS THE WORLD – THINKing ABOUT WHAT MATTERS

Faith  guides behavior, and is built on personal experience. Faith is often about what cannot be proved. What faith guides you?  Atheist, agnostic,  religious?

GOOD VERSUS EVIL

THINK HARDER

The heart of becoming emotionally fit, what the gurus call Emotionally Intelligent, lies in thinking clearly.  Faith fogs our brains, but faith matters.  only blind or evil faith hurts.

Faith  develops from personal experiences and that includes the voices we hear about what matters as we grow up. We build our personal faith on what we find most comforting.

Reality check: All organized religions promote the Golden rule.  Why then does war and injustice survive?

Because for many the Golden Rule is applied only for their needs or those of their family,  their country, or their religion.  Even those religions approving child sacrifice were doing so  hoping to earn special favor from their ideas about the wishes of their Gods.

Salmon Rusdie noted: “”If you take a look at history, you will find that the understanding of what is good and evil has always existed before the individual religions. The religions were only invented by people afterwards, in order to express this idea”

The need to make sense of the life in general, but particularly the  bad things that happen to us and the bad things we and others do  is deep-seated.

As T.H. White noted in The Once and Future King: “…there was a time when each of us stood naked before the world, confronting life as a serious problem with which we were intimately and passionately concerned. There was a time when it was of vital interest to us to find out whether there was a God or not.

Obviously the existence or otherwise of a future life must be of the very first importance to somebody who is going to live her present one, because her manner of living it must hinge on the problem….Further back, there were times when we wondered with all our souls what the world was, what love was, what we were ourselves.”

We need to make sense of the world in order to survive emotionally. However, because faith is a story build on personal experiences and needs, it varies.  The problem is not faith in general, but what good or evil a person’s faith supports.  What to do?

Emotional tip one: If you are observant in one or another religion, root out and  fight its bad theology. Example: The idea that a loving Creator  says to kill those of other faiths or to force conversion.

Emotional fitness tip two:  If you are an atheist or agnostic, look for and support the good theology while discounting the bad. 

This Daily Post Prompt  provides more food for thought.  Is there a place in the world you never want to visit? Where, and why not.

I want to live and visit where religions tolerance flourishes, but not without first being purges of bad theology. Don’t you agree?

parenting advice

Your children will follow your faith when young, but not so easily when the reach the teens.  Teens are very good at seeing contradictions, which is why you must live your faith.  You must also be able to discuss it and other religions.  This parenting blog post offers more on this subject.

FREE POSTER COACHES 

Don’t think you can afford a life coach? Like a life coach, EFTI’s poster coaches inspire, teach, motivate, and reinforce thinking about what matters.  To use, print up in color and post there it will be seen often.  Poster Coaches can also be used at  Family Meetings to start a discussion about what matters.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO

Keep working to stay strong, I work hard to do the same . As noted above,  I am not perfect, no one is and this week;s post will be all about praising imperfection.

Remember’s sharing is caring and the easiest way to practice kindness is to share this post if you found it helpful.  Thank you.

Katherine

 

SIX TIPS TO MAKE AMENDS WHEN YOU FALL PREY TO PROPAGANDA – A SNEAKY HYPNOTISM POST

Ever post or quote something somewhere and then discover later your passion lead you into believing and sharing propaganda.  I just did. Shame on me.

Quotes about propaganda

What was my mistake? Sharing  a post on Facebook without fact checking it first. The post spoke to my heart and I was rushing and fact checking takes time.  Even after being called to task when I tried to  fact check  my efforts only revealed a partial story.

I was ashamed of myself, however. Shame always asks us to hide our flaws. What shame is supposed to do is to keep us from doing the unthinkable. Shame also asks us to hide, to sink from sight, and to keep our wrong doing secret.  Emotional intelligent gurus all say in most cases the way to deal with a negative feeling is to act against its urging.  In terms of shame that means not hiding and admitting when you did wrong.

How the deception worked in this case using a  picture from one story to get you to read a different second story.  The headline made it seem the picture was related to the second story and it was not.  Moreover, when I checked the second story it seemed that the facts in it possibly true, but it was impossible to ferret out the truth.  Sigh.

A friend who  had seen the original picture in their local newspapers and knew the story it related to corrected my version, and did so politely.  Others were not so polite.

Either way  I did what I should have done before sharing. I fact checked  and came up with the how I had let my passions lead me astray.  Then, I re-tracked the post and apologized.

Those who know me well , were supportive and I am grateful for their seeing the whole me and forgiving my mistake.

Tip one: The more your passions are aroused, the more you might be in Sneaky Hypnotism’s control.

Tip two: Practice forgiveness when you or another get caught in passing along propaganda. We all do.

Tip three: Be transparent about your bias.  Anyone who knows me knows I am passionately pro-Israeli and anti-violence. They should also know I do not think defending yourself from killer attacks is violence.

Tip four: Apologize when you err and that means retracking false information as well as saying you are sorry. 

Tip five: Make amends. This post is one of my efforts to do so.

Tip Six:  As always work to improve your critical thinking skills. 

IMPROVE YOUR THINKING SKILLS

Applying this WordPress daily prompt to today’s post   Easy Fix  – Write a post about any topic you wish, but make sure it ends with “And all was right in the world.”  See my answer at the bottom of this post.

PARENTING TIPs

Parenting tip one: Teach you children critical thinking skills and do so being aware of age and stage. This previous post details some ways to do that.

Parenting tip two: Teach your children to take responsiblity for their mistakes. Mistakes are for learning.

Parenting tip three: Teach your children to how to apologize,

Parenting tip four: Teach your children how to practice forgiveness.

Parenting tip five: Teach your children  how to  make amends. 

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO

Keep working to stay strong, I work hard to do the same . As noted above I often fail. I am not perfect, not one is and that is the subject of Monday’s blog post.

Katherine

LINKS OF INTEREST

FREE POSTER COACHES 

Don’t think you can afford a life coach? Like a life coach, EFTI’s poster coaches inspire, teach, motivate, and reinforce thinking about what matters.  To use, print up in color and post there it will be seen often.  Poster Coaches can also be used at  Family Meetings to start a discussion about what matters.

MY ANSWER TO THE  PROMPT  Easy Fix

Ending any activity with the hope that all will be right with the world is useful and dangerous.  Useful because it build hope and comforts. Dangerous because it can lead to ignoring and not working on what needs to happen to make wrongs right.