Tag Archives: postaday

How and When to Lie – Five Tips

Honesty is both the bedrock and the lava of all relationships. Honesty either burns you or keeps your relationship rock solid.  You need to know when to lie.

I lied so get over it.

Emotional Fitness Thoughts

Leadership gurus starting with  parents, teachers, preachers, bosses, coaches, and ending with politicians caught up in the happiness craze believe when the truth might hurt, lies are better. Not my idea of how to build trust and lay the foundation for a good relationship.

My father was born to praise.  His Golden Rule: “If you can’t say anything nice, shut your mouth.”  Not as great as you think.  Why?

I never was sure where I stood.  I knew in my heart, I was not always praiseworthy.   Confession: one of the reasons I fell for the man I married and stayed married to as he tells it like it is.  No doubt at all where you stand.

And, of course, there are times I would like him to shut his mouth.  But, I rely on the fact that he says what he means and means what he says and that is a better foundation than not knowing what someone who has your heart in their possession  really thinks.

Reality check: Honesty is not always the best policy and lies come in many sizes and shapes. Some lies promote caring relationships; others destroy the most caring relationship.

“Be kind lies” are those  little white lies that skirt the truth but make someone feel better without doing harm.

Lies of omission can be good or bad.  Good when the information will do no good; bad when the attempt is to deceive.

“Selling something” lies can be either good or bad. Helping sell someone on their worth is good. Hiding or lying or distorting benefits or dangers to sell a product is bad.

Then there are “necessary lies” that  keep people safe. Your child is kidnapped. Your are arranging to deliver the ransom with the kidnapper; you tell him the police are not involved when one is sitting next to you. Another necessary lie: your country is at war, you withhold information necessary to safe guard troops.

Good lies do no harm, bad lies harm. That is simplistic, but  remains the core of knowing when and how to lie.

EMOTIONAL fiTNESS TIPS

Here are five  tips to help you be an effective liar.

Tip one: Tell as few lies as possible. As the bedrock of long term relationships, honesty matters.

Tip two: Be aware of when you are lying and why.

Tip three: If you are lying to cover up some wrong you did, stop misbehaving.  Confessing might be helpful, might not. If you confess make that matter by apologizing correctly.  Here is reminder of how to apologize properly.

How to apology

Tip four: Learn the art of saying what you mean, meaning what you say, but not saying it mean. How? Keep your tone of voice gentle, your face loving, your words, and end with a possitive.

Tip five: When you find another has lied to you, practice forgiveness, but trust less, at least for a while.

When I was a foster parent, I extended trust and believed what I was told until a had proof a child was lying. Then I would pick when to believe that child.  I made it a point to not believe one who had lied to me when I knew s/he was telling the truth. Enraging, but a lift of my eyebrows and a quiet reminder of the lie drove an important life lesson home.

STAYING STRONG

The tips seem easy, but the fact is lying can become an easy out and a bad habit.  The “Be Kind” Lies can get you into lying more and more often.  What to do? You need not take truth serum, but you can stop the “Be Kind” lies first.

The harder ones to stop are those covering wrong doing for you need to stop doing wrong. Not always easy and if you find yourself continuing to having to lie about wrong doing, get some help.

FUEL MY HOPES:  Be kind to  me,  share, rate, like, or comment and get kindness badges for you, and  others.  Kindness is an Emotional Fitness Exercise.  Click here for all 12 Daily Emotional Fitness Training Exercises.

IMAGE BYPhotobucket.com

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POST INSPIRATION

Word Press’s Post of the Day:  Truth Serum:  You’ve come into possession of one vial of truth serum. Who would you give it to (with the person’s consent, of course) — and what questions would you ask?

My answer: Probably the President and the question would what lies have you been telling us and why?

 

How To Tell Fact From Fiction – Five Tips

Thinking about personal ideas of “what is” versus reality  improves self-awareness, a key #emotionalintelligence skill that  grows as you grow.

Life's hard, grow up

Growing up means seeing what is, not what we hope is. Many of us fail to make that leap.

Emotional Fitness thoughts

Once survival is assured, most human behavior gets driven by  the quest for pleasure. We follow our heart and its desires.   What does that mean in terms of our thinking?

The pleasures found in  certainty and control often distort our ability to code reality accurately.  Every human being wants  a predictable world that allows individual control. The more control, the more peace of mind, the more pleasure.

However, the real world is not predictable. Some people win the lottery, others die suddenly in accidents;  disease ravages, lightning strikes, and people betray. Moreover, as much as we like to think our prayers or thoughts or actions control such things, we control little.  We don’t direct lightning strikes.  We can do everything right in a relationship and be betrayed.  Disease comes unbidden. We all age and die.

These are brute facts and cause mega doses of uncertainty and pain.  The creative source that made our world wisely introduces us slowly to the uncertainties and hardships of life.  Why?

Life is a marathon, a long trip down roads of pleasure and pain.  We need to develop lots of  emotional strength before we can bear seeing what is instead of what we hope is. .

Our brains develop slowly in the ability  to see reality. Children eagerly believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Ghost and Goblins. Then  about the age of seven or eight, their brains change; they better code reality and some wonder why adults lied to them.

Another big shift awaits some, but not all.  That shift expands  thinking based on  personal experience and what is in the world around you. How?

By allowing you to come back to the magic of childhood, but in a different way. The child who believes in fairies, ghosts, or goblins thinks these are real.

One such child, told his parents “A little man lives in the traffic lights and turns them on and off.”

Once the child gives up magical thinking, he or she gets stuck in thinking only about what is. Such a child cannot think about what might me.  The child who moves to next big brain shift knows such things are not real, but also that some could be.   The  world of the invisible or mysterious or seemingly impossible becomes possible. Why many teens become fascinated with the occult. This final stage is called abstract thought.

If you are a parent, when your loving pre-teen suddenly turns against you, particularly when in public or their friends are around, abstract thought plays a part. How?  You are now being compared against imaginary parents that are perfect. In time, hopefully, the child will realize no parents are perfect and theirs were probably good enough or better.

Back to tips for coding reality.

EMOTIonal Fitness Tips

Tip one: If it is too good to be true, it isn’t.

Tip two: If it feels good, it might not be.

Tip three:  If it is a sound bite, it is selling you a bill of goods. Always follow the money and see who is trying to sell you what.

Tip four:  You can never know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Tip five:  The more views of something, the more truth might emerge. As one pundit said, “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer” meaning know them better.  The more you read of opposing views about your beliefs, the more you might get a glimpse of the truth.

STAY STRONG

When it comes to acting on beliefs, two things matter. Those things? Safety and kindness.

With all the talk of believing  the best in others and yourself, bullying gets ignored.  So always stay safe, which is why I think the best things school could to to fight bullying is to hire Peace DoJos as physical education and health teachers and why I am for reasonable gun carry laws.

Harness safety with kindness; brain with  heart, and intuition with thought; that is the path to properly coding what is.

Finally, the kinder you are the more you learn about another and yourself. Never think you know all about another person, for you do not even know all about yourself.

Thank you for all you do. Please share this if you found it helpful. You will be practicing kindness for you, me, and  hopefully some others.

Katherine

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Go to the EFTI store and browse its offerings for inspirational quotes or exercises. Go there and subscribe to be notified of new additions.

POST INSPIRation

Word Press’s Post of the Day: The Great Divide When reading for fun, do you usually choose fiction or non-fiction? Do you have an idea why you prefer one over the other?

As noted above I think all we read is fiction at one level or another. I do read what I call get away novels most mysteries, but I also like to read historical novels that bring me to another world and add to my understanding of all worlds.

 Image found on rabbipaul.blogspot.com

How to know who to trust

How do you size someone up when first meeting them?  Do you let your instincts guide you? Listen to your heart? Create labels in your mind? Shame on you.

iNSTNCT

EMOTIONAL TRAINING THOUGHTS AND TIP

Today’s Word Press Prompt posed this:  Litmus, Litmus on the Wall –  If you had to come up with one question, the answer to which would determine whether or not you could be friends with a person you’ve just met, what would it be? What would the right answer be?

My answer? Thank you but no thank you.  You are indulging in the twisted thinking known as  generalization when you decide who you will like and not like on the basis of one question.

Yes, I suppose you could get very creative and come up with a clever question. Unless that question  is, “Want to spend some time together to  get to know each other?” your heart or intuition is guiding you. Not as helpful as you like to believe.

All other questions will be just the answer to one question.  I don’t want to judged on such feeble information; I suspect you do not wish that either.

My mother often said she would not have married my father, if he hadn’t been tall.  Sad for she would have missed out on life with a wonderful man who adored her.

A Tip: Take time to know someone before deciding if they are friend or foe.  Unless of course they are holding a gun and pointing it at you. Even then your instinct

STAYING STRONG

Sound bytes seem to be ruling thought. Not useful.  For some things there are neither quick or easy answers.  The media loves sound bytes and so does our brain. Makes decision making easier, but not smarter when it comes to many things.  For the really imporant stuff, like the people you let into your heart or trying to bring peace on earth going slower works best.

Thank you for all you do. Please share this if you found it helpful. You will be practicing kindness for you, me, and  hopefully some others.

Katherine

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FREE STUFF FROM EFTI

Go to the EFTI store and browse its offerings for inspirational quotes or exercises similar to  today’s Poster Coach. All digital downloads are feel, although an occasional tip would keep us going. We don’t have not for profit status but we are not making money.  Today’s sample  offers quotes about flattery which is used by many to get a quick by-pass to your heart.

Many guotes about flattery.

 

How To Get the Real You Respected

Who are you? The person your family knows? Your friends? Your boss? Your enemies?  The you inside?  The you you hide? News flash you are all of those.

Cartoon. Are we who others say we are or ourselves.

EMOTIONAL TRAINING THOUGHTS AND TIP

The shrinks debate about whether we are one authentic self or a thousand self’s depending on the context and  the audience. I don’t know that we are a thousand self, but I do know we are more than one.

Today’s Word Press Prompt posed this:  Flash Talk  – You’re about to enter a room full of strangers, where you will have exactly four minutes to tell a story that would convey who you really are. What’s your story?

My answer? Who am I telling it to and why.  Which self will gain respect? Which self will be put in danger? Which self will be diminished?

One with my tips.

Tip One: Think about which self fits the context if asked to describe yourself to someone. Answer the questions posed above.  Thinking and then making a choice strengthen what some call your authentic self.

Tip two: To understand yourself better also spend some time thinking about the selves you hide.   We all hide and for various reasons. The sad reasons are those that diminish us and are forced on us by life; such as needing a job and having a difficult boss. Others are shamed based. These need thinking about so you can stop being diminished or feeling stupid shame. Again, making a choice about both strengthens your emotional fitness.

STAYING STRONG

We all want to be seen as our best selves and appreciated despite our worse selves. In order to be  appreciated despite our worse selves we have to risk letting others know the worse. One reason people like private talk therapy is that the main push of the therapy is to hear the bad and not judge so much as help you understand you.  I know in my traditional analysis a great moment of freedom came when I had shared every nasty thing I had done and every nasty thought I had ever held. The freedom came because I was heard with compassion and understanding.

More often our worse selves show  when we are not in charge of our mad, bad, or sad feelings.   We feel, act as the feeling suggests, and  then regret letting the feeling boss us.  That is not particularly helpful to our self-esteem and tends to add to shame.

What to do? One thing is to learn how to say you are sorry. Not mindlessly, but with a bit of thought. Doing so will make you feel better and often gets you the acceptance you crave. Here is today’s free EFTI Poster Coach about how to say you are sorry in a way most likely to gain acceptance and respect.

Six steps to a good apology

Thank you for all you do including liking, commenting, or sharing. Kindness blesses the giver and the receiver.

Katherine

LINKS OF INTEREST

FREE STUFF FROM EFTI

Go to the EFTI store and browse its offerings for inspirational quotes or exercises similar to  today’s Poster Coach. All digital downloads are feel, although an occasional tip would keep us going. We don’t have not for profit status but we are not making money.