Tag Archives: postaday

When My Uncertainty Ends, I Can Shout: “Shut up.”

Uncertainty drives much behavior. Knowing the uncertainties in any situation increases your #emotionalintelligence and helps you act with greater wisdom.

Annoying people: those who talk and don't let me get a word in edgewise

 EMOTIONAL FITNESS THOUGHTS AND TIPS

Today’s Word Press Prompt provides a good opportunity to look at how uncertainty controls even mundane behaviors.  Here it is:

DAILY PROMPT    Middle Seat: It turns out that your neighbor on the plane/bus/train (or the person sitting at the next table at the coffee shop) is a very, very chatty tourist. Do you try to switch seats, go for a non-committal brief small talk, or make this person your new best friend?

Developmental expert Jerome Kagan notes that conflicting beliefs are a major source of uncertainty and that plays out on the world stage in terms of who has the right belief about God, Gods, Goddesses, or none such. But such conflicts are ever present in our  everyday affairs; deciding what to do when competing with a “talker” is a good example. Here are  four of my conflicting beliefs when dealing with a talker:

  1. I am a kind and polite person.
  2. Interrupting is rude.
  3. I am a good listener
  4. I have an opinion I want to share.
  5. Others need to vent.
  6. I need to vent.
  7. Sharing is good.
  8. Doing my thing is good.

How these conflicts  plays out in my feelings and behavior: For a while I take pride in being kind, listening, letting another vent, letting another share my time and space.

Then if the other person goes on and on, my need to share my thoughts, to be heard or to do my thing grows as does my frustration. Eventually those needs can overrule the belief interrupting is rude.  Then I try to interrupt politely.

If that works, good.  If not my frustration and anger grows and I begin to feel entitled to get rude. In time if the other person persists in filibustering, I feel entitled to say  loudly and angrily “Shut up.”

As I noted in my previous post,  Uncertainty PainsThe first step in not letting doubt and uncertainty rule your behavior is to accept that it does.  The second step is to tease out as I did above what uncertainties are at play. Hopefully, knowing that lets you act wisely.

Another strategy I use is what I call the Rule of Three. I count how many times I am tempted to interrupt; then when the count hits three, I interrupt as politely as I can. Doesn’t always work, so  the next post will discuss a few alternatives that do a bit better.

 STAY STRONG

Thank you for all you do, enjoy and be grateful for all you have been given, practice kindness, like, share or comment.

Katherine

LINKS OF INTEREST

UNCERTAINTY PAINS

The more we know about what drives us,  the stronger our #emotionalintelligence. Uncertainty drives much behavior.

Uncertainty rules

Emotional Fitness Thoughts and Tips

Guru and retired Harvard Researcher Jerome Kagan centered much of his research on how uncertainty twists our thinking, lets emotions rule, and is a major source of anger, fear, depression or despair.

He points out that much of an ‘infant’s time is spent taking in information from the surrounding environment. This leads to beliefs that “What is ought to be.”  Once such a belief forms it is held to with great subborness.

Understanding this idea about how our brains get programmed, makes it much easier to understand why abused children seem to invite abuse by being  or in time more easily become victims of domestic abuse as adults. How ?  One of my many foster children, explained it to my husband and I when we first struggled with learning to care for previously abused children.

Here is what he said, “You treat us better than our parents, that hurts, be more like them, smack us around once in a while.”

His hurt was the uncertainty created about whether his and the other foster children were loved by their parents.  Of course, most were. However, because that love came with abuse, the children believed “Abuse was part of love.”

Our refusal to smack our foster children around challenged those this idea about the meaning of love creating doubt and uncertainty  about whether their parents loved them.  Much of our foster children’s behavior was their efforts to  get us to behave more like their parents. The more we could be made punishing and seen as mean, the less our foster children were forced to doubt their parents love.

Kagan makes the point such uncertainty leads to what he calls “The Need to Resolve” uncertainty.  He believes that after survival needs this need is as strong and sometimes stronger than sexual desire.

Kagan also points out that there are four ways humans tend to resolve uncertainty. They are:

  1. Ignoring any source creating doubt.  Think of people not watching news or not learning the ins and outs of the internet.
  2.  Angry blaming of anyone or anything creating doubt.  Think of throwing a smart phone across the room because it makes you feel dumb. Think of prejudices particularly against religions do not believe as you do.
  3. Blaming yourself and thinking you are incompetent or stupid.  Think of the throwing the Smart phone across the room and then getting depressed for being so dumb.  Then think of feeling dumb because a seven year old can operate your new Smart phone and you cannot. Religions foster uncertainty by the belief bad things happen as punishments of individual or group sins.
  4. Despair and giving up on large and small tasks.  Think of going back to a land line because you don’t think you can learn to use a Smart Phone.  Think of deciding peace on earth is not possible.

What to do? The first step in not letting doubt and uncertainty rule your behavior is to accept that it does.  So the next time you feel angry, stupid, incompetent, or like giving up, ask how the feeling relates to uncertainty.  That’s the beginning. More next post.

 STAY STRONG

Nothing makes us doubt all we know ,more than pain. The more intense the pain, the greater the uncertainty. Don’t agree?

Think of  the almost constant cry from those suffering,  “What did I do to deserve this?”

If we can figure out something we did, we feel more in control of our lives and are less plagued by doubt. Reality Check: Bad things happen sometimes because you did the wrong thing, but much of the time because you are not the controller of all that happens.

Think for a few minutes about the downside of controlling everything? Not good, better to stay closely focuses on what is actually yours to control. Much less than you think.

Thank you for all you do, enjoy and be grateful for all you have been given, practice kindness, like, share or comment.

Katherine

WORD PRESS DAILY PROMPT

This post relates to this DAILY PROMPT : When was the last time you watched something so scary, cringe-worthy, or unbelievably tacky — in a movie, on TV, or in real life — you had to cover your eyes?

My reply: Real life is very scary these days. Turn on the news or surf the social media and you will find yourself turning away.  I do. Three things bother me the most:

  1. The pictures of the innocents dying as war makes it way across our world.
  2. The pictures of abused animals.
  3. The one sided thinking and blaming rants of all fanatics.

I don’t look at the pictures, but I do try to persuade those who see only one side of any dispute to spend a moment or two pondering “What if” the other side has more truth than you side.

  LINKS OF INTEREST

 IMAGE BY mchumor.com

 

 

 

Strong feelings? How strong?

#EmotionalIntelligence depends on the ability to both recognize what you are feeling and to keep tabs on that feeling’s strength.

Emotional Fitness Training and #Emotional Intelligence explained.

Here’s another feeling thermometer:

#emotionalintelligence blog post #anger management feeling thermometer

This is available free as a digital download Poster Coach at the EFTI Store. Printing it up and posting where you will see it throughout your day will boost your awareness of what you are feeling.

EMOTIONAL FITNESS  TIPS

Tip one: Any feeling can be rated and the best rating is on a personal feeling thermometer. How to create one? Easy.  Follow these steps.

  1. Take a blank sheet of paper and draw a thermometer along the left hand side.  Divide it into ten readings.
  2. Decide whether the feeling you want to measure revs you up in all the wrong ways or shuts you down.
  3. Recall the worse behavior that feeling enticed you into doing. That is your extreme rating.
  4. Recall times that feeling could not ruffle your feathers. That is the opposite extreme rating.
  5. Fill in each point between the two extremes.
  6. Add names and feeling clues to each point. A feeling clue is anything that tells you the feeling is visiting at a certain level. Self-talk is one type of feeling clue; bodily sensations another.

Tip Two:  Post this where you will see it regularly and when you see it, ask your self what you are feeling and how strongly.

Tip Three: Use another regularly occurring event to signal you to take a feeling temperature. The ringing cell phone for example.

Tip four: For more detailed advice about improving your feeling awareness buy EFTI’s eBook Know Your Feelings , Become a Feeling Detective   It costs less than a latte or a big Mac.

Remember you don’t need a Kindle or other electronic book reader to read Kindle books. Amazon gives you a free application that lets you read their eBooks on-line. 

 STAY STRONG

I hope you find my posts of value.  If you do,  practice internet kindness by liking, rating, commenting, or sharing.

Thank you for all you do and as always work to stay strong, which while is not  easy, more possible than you might think.

Love all,

Katherine

The Daily Prompt for July 17th,2014 did not inspire this post.  That prompt: Nosey Delights: From the yeasty warmth of freshly baked bread to the clean, summery haze of lavender flowers, we all have favorite smells we find particularly comforting. What’s yours?

However, let me point out that a smell can be a feeling clue and smells that calm are important emotional fitness tools.

LINKS AND ARTICLES OF INTEREST

Images are by Emotional FItness Training Inc. and can be downloaded free at the EFTI Store. 

Thinking about Just Wars versus just wars

Whose actions are justified? An Israel speaks out.  And yes, he is biased. But so are you.  Thinking deeply  what matters matters. Thinking deeply about bias.

just war

What my Israeli Facebook Friend says about the current state of war in the Middle East.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE WORLD
 
Dear World,I understand that you are upset by us, here in Israel.Indeed,it appears that you are quite upset, even angry.Indeed, every few years you seem to become upset by us. Today, it is the “brutal repression of the Palestinians”; yesterday it was Lebanon; before that it was the bombing of the nuclear reactor in Baghdad and the Yom Kippur War and the Sinai campaign. It appears that Jews who triumph and who, therefore, live, upset you most extraordinarily.Of course, dear world, long before there was an Israel, we – the Jewish people – upset you.

We upset a German people who elected Hitler and upset an Austrian people who cheered his entry into Vienna and we upset a whole slew of Slavic nations – Poles, Slovaks, Lithuanians, Ukrainians, Russians, Hungarians and Romanians. And we go back a long, long way in the history of world upset.

We upset the Cossacks of Chmielnicki who massacred tens of thousands of us in 1648-49; we upset the Crusaders who, on their way to liberate the Holy Land, were so upset at Jews that they slaughtered untold numbers of us.

For centuries, we upset a Roman Catholic Church that did its best to define our relationship through inquisitions, and we upset the arch-enemy of the church, Martin Luther, who, in his call to burn the synagogues and the Jews within them, showed an admirable Christian ecumenical spirit.

And it is because we became so upset over upsetting you, dear world, that we decided to leave you – in a manner of speaking – and establish a Jewish state. The reasoning was that living in close contact with you, as resident-strangers in the various countries that comprise you, we upset you, irritate you and disturb you. What better notion, then, than to leave you (and thus love you)- and have you love us and so, we decided to come home – home to the same land we were driven out 1,900 years earlier by a Roman world that, apparently, we also upset.

Alas, dear world, it appears that you are hard to please.

Having left you and your pogroms and inquisitions and crusades and holocausts, having taken our leave of the general world to live alone in our own little state, we continue to upset you. You are upset that we repress the poor Palestinians. You are deeply angered over the fact that we do not give up the lands of 1967, which are clearly the obstacle to peace in the Middle East.

Moscow is upset and Washington is upset. The “radical” Arabs are upset and the gentle Egyptian moderates are upset.

Well, dear world, consider the reaction of a normal Jew from Israel.

In 1920 and 1921 and 1929, there were no territories of 1967 to impede peace between Jews and Arabs. Indeed, there was no Jewish State to upset anybody. Nevertheless, the same oppressed and repressed Palestinians slaughtered tens of Jews in Jerusalem, Jaffa, Safed and Hebron. Indeed, 67 Jews were slaughtered one day in Hebron in 1929.

Dear world, why did the Arabs – the Palestinians – massacre 67 Jews in one day in 1929? Could it have been their anger over Israeli aggression in 1967? And why were 510 Jewish men, women and children slaughtered in Arab riots between 1936-39? Was it because Arabs were upset over 1967?

And when you, dear world, proposed a UN Partition Plan in 1947 that would have created a “Palestinian State” alongside a tiny Israel and the Arabs cried “no” and went to war and killed 6,000 Jews – was that “upset” caused by the aggression of 1967? And, by the way, dear world, why did we not hear your cry of “upset” then?

The poor Palestinians who today kill Jews with explosives and firebombs and stones are part of the same people who when they had all the territories they now demand be given to them for their state -attempted to drive the Jewish state into the sea. The same twisted faces, the same hate, the same cry of “itbach-al-yahud” (Massacre the Jew!) that we hear and see today, were seen and heard then. The same people, the same dream – destroy Israel. What they failed to do yesterday, they dream of today, but we should not “repress” them.

Dear world, you stood by during the holocaust and you stood by in 1948 as seven states launched a war that the Arab League proudly compared to the Mongol massacres.

You stood by in 1967 as Nasser, wildly cheered by wild mobs in every Arab capital in the world, vowed to drive the Jews into the sea. And you would stand by tomorrow if Israel were facing extinction. And since we know that the Arabs-Palestinians dream daily of that extinction, we will do everything possible to remain alive in our own land. If that bothers you, dear world, well think of how many times in the past you bothered us.

In any event, dear world, if you are bothered by us, here is one Jew in Israel who could not care less.

                                                                                                          Gary Zvi Jonathan
 

Emotional Fitness Training Thoughts and tips

Our deeply held beliefs, and clearly Gary’s are deeply held, as are mine in support of Israel, arise first from our personal experiences, particularly those experiences that hurt.   We don’t “See Both Sides” but  identify with those whose hurts and pains are most like our own.

However, our deeply held beliefs are  also strongly influenced by  the voices surrounding us.  When I see the Palestinians who hate the Jews, I think “Brain washed.”  The German public got brain washed by Hitler.  Many in today’s “free world” are being brain washed by the media they follow.

Those who look at flawed or twisted thinking name the assumption our deeply held beliefs are reality based is called The Curse of (Personal) Knowledge. I insert the word personal, for knowledge can be a blessing or a curse and it is how we absorb it and use it that makes it a curse or a blessing for you and for others.

What to do?  Always assume your deepest beliefs, what your heart and intuition say are “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth” are biased.

This is why the main game plan of Emotional Fitness Training rests in Thinking About What Matters.  And that thinking must be from three different points of views: Yours, the opposition, and the less passionate and more balanced.

Moreover, you must give more weight to the opposition than to your point of view.

Finally you need to realize all opinions, even the most careful researched ones, are biased.  Minimally, one needs to check as was said in the movie Jerry Mcquire, “Follow the money.”

Stay Strong

Untwisting the thinking of your personal bias is not easy.  Nor is it necessary as you traipse through everyday life. But at times in matters and if the world is to move toward peace, we need to be more open in our thinking about who is right or wrong when it comes to acts of aggression.

So if you think the Israel’s are right, look at the Palestinian point of view; if you think the Palestinians are right, look at the Israeli point of view. Then do some reading about Just Wars.

I hope you find my posts of value.  If you do,  practice internet kindness by liking, rating, commenting, or sharing.

Thank you for all you do and as always work to stay strong, which while is not  easy, more possible than you might think.

Love all,

Katherine

WORD PRESS DAILY PROMPT

This post relates to this Word Press Daily Prompt:  Now? Later! We all procrastinate. Website, magazine, knitting project, TV show, something else — what’s your favorite procrastination destination?

I am a professional procrastinator. Proof, one of my favorite EFTI poster coaches remains this one:  http://eftistore.com/downloads/procrastinate/

However, I do not procrastinate when speaking out against hatred, I do, however, try to do it without hating.

LINKS AND ARTICLES OF INTEREST

 IMAGE from: The Federal List Papers Website