Tag Archives: Practicing kindness

HOW TO LIVE WITH A BITTER – SWEET RELATIONSHIP

Stop to think for a minute about the feelings involved in your closest and longest relationships. Finding both  the bitter and the sweet?  Probably. Reality calling.

According to test results you are full of blood, bones, and organs...disgusting. Emotional Intelligence Thoughts and Tips

 Babies, children, parents, friends and lovers all eventually  make you wrinkle your nose in disgust and shatter your heart with betrayal. 

Stopping to  think honestly about the feelings involved in your closest and longest relationships (thinking is the game plan for improving your emotional  intelligence) and you cannot avoid the mixing of the bitter and the sweet.

What to do? Practice kindness, gratitude, forgiveness and remember what matters .

This does not mean living with or allowing abuse. By abuse I do not mean the normal slings and arrow words  thrown in a fit of temper.  I mean hard on, bruising physical contact and or a constant barrage of nastiness, name-calling, and verbal put downs. Those are calls for ending a relationship or minimally putting physical distance between you and the ones  who cannot get it together.

Hardest to do when the relationship is long term and you love the other. Still abuse should not be allowed.

The longer the relationship, the more important it is to practice forgiveness and the remember what matters.  Not easy, but easier when you make a decision to practice deliberate kindness in line with the five to one rule.

What’s the five to one rule? It refers to the research of John Gottman. He studied  marriages and found he could predict which would last and which would not. The ones that lasted were those in which good feelings happened five times more often than  bad feelings.

How do you practice deliberate kindness after a bad moment?  First you must wait until the heat of the bad feelings has dampened a bit.  Strong self soothing skills help with that.

Timing also matters. When the atmosphere has eased a bit,  do something small, but caring.

Easiest with small children.  The gurus all say end time outs with a restorative hug.  My grandchildren rush to me when released from time out. Often, I say, “Even when I’m angry, I love you”  or “I don’t love bad behavior, but I do love you.” I do that to try and help them get to a better understanding of unconditional love which forgives all but does not tolerate all.

With the older crowd, very often, just a friendly touch at the right moment works.

Humor sometimes  help.  When my husband and I fight, and the heat of the moment is past, I can joke a bit. Humming the song, “I don’t know why I love you like I do, I just do” signals truce and is often accepted.

Sharing a sweet or suggesting taking a time out for something small both enjoy can be the icing on  the ice cap smothering the heat.

Finally, as do many in a war zone, just doing the every day normal things you do when not angry works.

STAY STRONG

If you like this post share it with another.  That is practicing deliberate kindness.  A second important aspect of practicing kindness, whether deliberate, randomed, planned or not, is being aware you are being kind. That strengthens you.

An important Emotional Fitness Exercises asks you to make a “Done List” instead of a “To Do List,.”  When you act kindly, add that act  to the Done List and enjoy being a kind person.

As always, thank you for your support.

Katherine

This post fits in with Today’s Word Press’s DAILY PROMPT  –  Unlikely Pairing: Bacon and chocolate, caramel and cheddar… Is there an unorthodox food pairing you really enjoy? Share with us the weirdest combo you’re willing to admit that you like — and how you discovered it.

In terms of food I have two mixtures others do not get: coffee, cayenne pepper, a sprinkle of salt and vanilla creamer. Yum.  Then there is vanilla ice cream, whipped cream topped with maple syrup and salt and sometimes even a sprinkle of the cayenne.

LINKS OF INTEREST

 A Free Poster Coach

Three steps to forgiveness. This poster coach begins the process of learning to forgive yourself and others.

Three steps to forgiveness

 

 

GIVE LOVE A CHANCE

Who do you hate?  Where did you learn that hatred. Hatred destroys your heart, so improve your #emotionalintelligence and learn to love even those you hate.

You've got to be taught to hate.

emotional fitness THOUGHTS AND TIPS

Human nature is such that we fear what is different.  If that fear gets linked to  personal internal hurts , hatred brews. Here are five common  examples of what I mean by internal hurts.

  1. You judge yourself as less smart, less strong, less talented than a person of difference.
  2. You have less wealth than a person of a difference.
  3. A person of difference beats you in a race, a game.
  4. A person of difference seems more respected by others than you feel respect you.
  5. Your view of your higher power is challenged by a different one.

Hatred brews more easily when the voices around you promote hatred and join hands with your personal hurt. The more voices preaching hate, the easier it is to justify your hate.

Some cultures raise their children on hatred of difference. Some do it directly.  Go here to see  what one group teaches its children. Others do it less directly. How? Think of any group that says those who believe differently are damned and doomed to spend eternity in hell. Also think of media messages that promote competition or divisiveness.

I think of the Long Island Railroad mass killer Colin Ferguson as someone whose hatred festered because of failed dreams, personal hurts, the slings and arrows of thoughtless other people, and of the preachings of hatred. Born in Jamaica, he came to the USA expecting to find great success, freedom and tolerance. He did not find success, he found racism, and he heard the preachings of hate groups.

It is a testimony to the goodness of most people that meeting with the same conditions, they do not turn murderous.

Hatred involves twisted thinking.  Here is a list of such   fallaciesThe fallacies most at play in hatred of differences are  incorrectly linking cause and effect, generalizing, and ad hominem.

To remind yourself to work at learning love, download today’s free  poster coach about learning love and post it where you  will see it.  when you see it, recite Hammerstein’s lyrics to shut out thoughts of hate.

STAY STRONG

The more you have been taught to hate differences, the harder it will be to learn love.  However, if the world is going to move past war, loving difference is essential.   Make learning to love  one of your life’s missions.

A brief Torah lesson.  The letter twelve in Hebrew stands for diversity, for example the twelve tribes. The letter for thirteen is a sacred letter and stands for oneness meaning the source of all.  Idol worship as taught by the Jewish Sages refers to the splitting of the sacred into the twelve and worshipping not the oneness of all, but one or another part or piece or tribe.

Thank you for all you do, enjoy and be grateful for all you have been given, practice kindness, like, share or comment.

Katherine

WORD PRESS DAILY PROMPT

This post relates to this DAILY PROMPT : Object Lesson – Sherlock Holmes had his pipe. Dorothy had her red shoes. Batman had his Batmobile. If we asked your friends what object they most immediately associate with you, what would they answer?

I would hope mine would be the peace symbol.

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 IMAGE BY Emotional Fitness Training, Inc.  Free download.

HOW TO FORGIVE

A major aspect of Emotional Intelligence lies in the ability to let go of hurts and grudges. Here are three steps that make forgiveness possible.

Three steps to forgiveness

The more we can acknowledge our mistakes and frailties, the more we can forgive.

 STAYING STRONG

Hurt is a signal that something is wrong.  One can forgive others for being weak, for handling their hurt in ways that hurt others.  However, as many have noted, forgiveness does not mean you are granting permission to anyone, yourself included, to abuse another.

A wise way to seek to change unacceptable behavior is to seek the lesson such behavior often holds.  Maybe, the lesson is a relationship has to be ended; maybe the lesson is you need to practiced kindness more.

Finally, our current society has encouraged victimhood.   Think of efforts to only praise children or make sure every child participating in a sport gets a trophy.  Life is learning to lose some times and some things.

Think of efforts to rid our language of words that others find offensive.  Jokes are a good example.  I make Martian jokes, not jokes about groups of people. At the same time a joke is a joke and if it is in poor taste, that should be the teller’s problem, not yours.

Remember the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”

Not always true, and  in many cases learning to “Suck it up, buttercup” might be better than letting  hurtful words into your heart.

Thank you for all you do to Practice Kindness. Liking, commenting, or sharing any social media you find helpful is one way to be kind. It may seem like a little, however, doing a little matters a lot.

Katherine

The above Poster Coach is available for a free download at the EFTI Store.

This post relates to this WordPress Daily Prompt I Can’t Stay Mad at You by KristaDo you hold grudges or do you believe in forgive and forget?

Obviously, I believe in forgiveness, It is one of the Daily 12 Easy Emotional Fitness Exercises.  Still  I agree with Bishop Tutu that forgiving does not mean forgetting or even staying in relationship with the person who hurts you.

As author  Richelle E. Goodrich notes, “Forgive and forget is the divine ideal. Grappling with the hurt while biting your tongue and struggling to refuse justifiable vengeance―that’s closer to human reality.”

 LINKS OF INTEREST

 

The Best of Life

Another quick response to a Daily Prompt.  Can you guess the prompt from this Poster Coach?

Practice Kindness Emotional Fitness Poster Coach

All Emotional Fitness Poster Coaches are available at the EFTIstore as a free digital download. To use, print up in color on card stock and post where you will see it regularly.

No the prompt is not being kind. Good guess, however.   Here it is: Nothin’ But A Good TimeImagine that tomorrow, all of your duties and obligations evaporate for the day. You get the day all to yourself, to do anything you please. What types of fun activities would make your day?

My response? I am retired, so most days I get to do my thing almost all the time. My good times come from Practicing Kindness.  That includes complimenting strangers; joking around with cashiers; playing with my grand children — really playing down on my hands and knees; liking and sharing what I find of value n the internet, and sharing my hard-earned  knowledge about staying strong on my blogs and Pinterest page.

Kindness is good Karma for when you practice it, it always comes back to bless you.  As always thank you for all you do, particularly in terms of spreading kindness.

Katherine