Tag Archives: Practicing kindness

How To Tell Fact From Fiction – Five Tips

Thinking about personal ideas of “what is” versus reality  improves self-awareness, a key #emotionalintelligence skill that  grows as you grow.

Life's hard, grow up

Growing up means seeing what is, not what we hope is. Many of us fail to make that leap.

Emotional Fitness thoughts

Once survival is assured, most human behavior gets driven by  the quest for pleasure. We follow our heart and its desires.   What does that mean in terms of our thinking?

The pleasures found in  certainty and control often distort our ability to code reality accurately.  Every human being wants  a predictable world that allows individual control. The more control, the more peace of mind, the more pleasure.

However, the real world is not predictable. Some people win the lottery, others die suddenly in accidents;  disease ravages, lightning strikes, and people betray. Moreover, as much as we like to think our prayers or thoughts or actions control such things, we control little.  We don’t direct lightning strikes.  We can do everything right in a relationship and be betrayed.  Disease comes unbidden. We all age and die.

These are brute facts and cause mega doses of uncertainty and pain.  The creative source that made our world wisely introduces us slowly to the uncertainties and hardships of life.  Why?

Life is a marathon, a long trip down roads of pleasure and pain.  We need to develop lots of  emotional strength before we can bear seeing what is instead of what we hope is. .

Our brains develop slowly in the ability  to see reality. Children eagerly believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Ghost and Goblins. Then  about the age of seven or eight, their brains change; they better code reality and some wonder why adults lied to them.

Another big shift awaits some, but not all.  That shift expands  thinking based on  personal experience and what is in the world around you. How?

By allowing you to come back to the magic of childhood, but in a different way. The child who believes in fairies, ghosts, or goblins thinks these are real.

One such child, told his parents “A little man lives in the traffic lights and turns them on and off.”

Once the child gives up magical thinking, he or she gets stuck in thinking only about what is. Such a child cannot think about what might me.  The child who moves to next big brain shift knows such things are not real, but also that some could be.   The  world of the invisible or mysterious or seemingly impossible becomes possible. Why many teens become fascinated with the occult. This final stage is called abstract thought.

If you are a parent, when your loving pre-teen suddenly turns against you, particularly when in public or their friends are around, abstract thought plays a part. How?  You are now being compared against imaginary parents that are perfect. In time, hopefully, the child will realize no parents are perfect and theirs were probably good enough or better.

Back to tips for coding reality.

EMOTIonal Fitness Tips

Tip one: If it is too good to be true, it isn’t.

Tip two: If it feels good, it might not be.

Tip three:  If it is a sound bite, it is selling you a bill of goods. Always follow the money and see who is trying to sell you what.

Tip four:  You can never know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Tip five:  The more views of something, the more truth might emerge. As one pundit said, “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer” meaning know them better.  The more you read of opposing views about your beliefs, the more you might get a glimpse of the truth.

STAY STRONG

When it comes to acting on beliefs, two things matter. Those things? Safety and kindness.

With all the talk of believing  the best in others and yourself, bullying gets ignored.  So always stay safe, which is why I think the best things school could to to fight bullying is to hire Peace DoJos as physical education and health teachers and why I am for reasonable gun carry laws.

Harness safety with kindness; brain with  heart, and intuition with thought; that is the path to properly coding what is.

Finally, the kinder you are the more you learn about another and yourself. Never think you know all about another person, for you do not even know all about yourself.

Thank you for all you do. Please share this if you found it helpful. You will be practicing kindness for you, me, and  hopefully some others.

Katherine

 LINKS OF INTEREST

FREE STUFF FROM EFTI

Go to the EFTI store and browse its offerings for inspirational quotes or exercises. Go there and subscribe to be notified of new additions.

POST INSPIRation

Word Press’s Post of the Day: The Great Divide When reading for fun, do you usually choose fiction or non-fiction? Do you have an idea why you prefer one over the other?

As noted above I think all we read is fiction at one level or another. I do read what I call get away novels most mysteries, but I also like to read historical novels that bring me to another world and add to my understanding of all worlds.

 Image found on rabbipaul.blogspot.com

How to keep old friends

People change.  I married a Viet NamWar protesting hippy guy who seems to have morphed into Tea Party Man. Married for over forty years. Here’s how.

Love and hate

emotional training thoughts and tip

The longer the relationship, the more intense the relationship, the more likely loving feelings will compete regularly with hateful feelings. But the best relationships are glued together wih love. Parents  know that  as much as you want to throw a crying baby out the window, love keeps the child safe.

Today’s Word Press Prompt posed this:  How would you get along with your sibling(s), parent(s), or any other person you’ve known for a long time — if you only met them for the first time today?

To me that question is not what matters.  Relationships that start strong, but then don’t stay the course bruise someone, mostly the young, but often the abandoned once loved one.  Children in particular need their parents to stay together.  With the divorce rate at almost 50% that is not a very popular opinion; however, except for physically or intensely emotionally abusive marriages, the studies show divorce hurts children. Moreover, second marriages end faster and more often than first. To me that means many people are chasing the blue bird of happiness all the wrong way.

Would my kids get along with me or their father today if meeting for the first time? Not at first. All are opinionated men and their opinions are not alike.

On the other hand if  we were forced to spend  time living together so that we shared  laughs and broke bread together we would learned more about each other than our political or religious views, then we might come to where we are now.  Where is that? Close and able to survive the down times and the gulfs that separate one generation from another, one person from another.

This applies not just to family but to friends.  I have one very good friend dating back to when we met in kindergarten.  I have another whole group of friends from college.  If we met now, we would probably go our separate ways, but history is the glue that ties us together and makes me grateful they are part of my life.

Here are what kept our relationships going.

Tip one: The five to one rule. To maintain a relationship make five good times for each bad time. My opinated husband not only makes me laugh lots, but he also honors my brain. That he likes my cooking helps him overlook some of the differences between us.

A variation? When angry think of five good things about the person you are angry with;  your anger will fade.

Tip two: Hone your ability to forgive and to ask for forgivenss. A movie fantasy says “Love is nver having to say you are sorry.  Which is like saying people are perfect.  Not true. Even without wanting to hurt another we do. Sayiny you are sorry is a useful relationship tool, but more useful is knowing how to forgive.  

Here  is today’s free EFTI poster for practicing forgiveness:

Three steps to forgiveness

STAYING STRONG

Life is a struggle and relationships a major part of the struggle.  All the more reason to work to maintain those that once worked.  Kindness combined with gratitude and mixed in with forgiveness give all relationships the possibility of not just surviving but thriving .

Thank you for all you do including liking, commenting, or sharing. Kindness blesses the giver and the receiver.

Katherine

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 WORD PRESS DAILY PROMPT

Daily Post Sept 16, 2014 DAILY PROMPT  Delayed Contact  How would you get along with your sibling(s), parent(s), or any other person you’ve known for a long time — if you only met them for the first time today?

Answered above.

FREE STUFF FROM EFTI

Go to the EFTI store and browse its offerings for inspirational quotes or exercies like today’s Poster Coach

How To Make a Job You Hate Bearable

Notice, I did not promise much, just to make a job you hate bearable. Expecting too much makes life unbearable.

Nothing erodes contentment as fast as false expectations. With today’s job market, nothing seems to hold out greater expectations than getting that degree. What to do?

Three Emotional Fitness Tips

Tip one:  Hold fast to the reality that a job is a job because you get paid to do it. Period. End of thought.

Tip two: As a poet once said, “I have to live with myself and so, I have to be good for myself to know…” Translation, live honorably, so no matter what you end up getting paid to do, you are good for you to know.

Of course, the question of what is honorable confuses many. Well, despite all those who protest there are no hard and fast moral laws — the sages of the ages and today’s researchers have discovered three.  Be caring and fair. are the first two, and it is the violation of the third that has lead the world astray. The third? Be caring and fair to all, not just those like you or in your circle of family and friends.

In terms of work, whatever you are paid to do, do it well, take pride in doing it well, and at the same time see yourself as part of a bigger world, a bigger universe that you are helping to run.

Tip three: Build contentment and happiness unrelated to work. Follow your dreams as long as following them brings contentment. EFTI’s business motto is “Make money doing good.”  It runs in the red but builds contentment and happiness for me first because it does some good and that matters to me, but also because I love the job of writing and getting thoughts out there that might help others.

Staying strong

If you have one of the worse jobs in the world you might find the above hard to pursue. Think about this, however, if you are living in extreme poverty any job might find you grateful to be paid to work.

Also think about this. The Irish have a saying, “Enough is a feast.” If you are reading this, you are not living in extreme poverty; moreover, no matter how poor you feel you are rich. Be grateful. You might not find this easy, but the more you just say “Thank you” off and on during the day, and particularly for what isn’t so nice, the more your life improves.

Thank you for all you do including liking, commenting, or sharing. Kindness is blesses the giver and the receiver.

Links of interest

 Word Press Daily Prompt Nightmare Job

In honor of Labor Day in North America, tell us what’s the one job you could never imagine yourself doing.

I’ve shoveled manure as a teen so I could ride horses for free.  I’ve been a parent and foster parent which means I have done almost every difficult job there is.  The hardest job for me, would probably be cleaning up vomit. Just the thought starts me gagging. However, there is a process known the behaviorists as habituation — you get used to almost everything that does not kill you. So probably in time, I could to the vomit stuff.  Life goes on, at least until it ends. Until then stay strong and make the most of what you have been given.

HOW TO LIVE WITH A BITTER – SWEET RELATIONSHIP

Stop to think for a minute about the feelings involved in your closest and longest relationships. Finding both  the bitter and the sweet?  Probably. Reality calling.

According to test results you are full of blood, bones, and organs...disgusting. Emotional Intelligence Thoughts and Tips

 Babies, children, parents, friends and lovers all eventually  make you wrinkle your nose in disgust and shatter your heart with betrayal. 

Stopping to  think honestly about the feelings involved in your closest and longest relationships (thinking is the game plan for improving your emotional  intelligence) and you cannot avoid the mixing of the bitter and the sweet.

What to do? Practice kindness, gratitude, forgiveness and remember what matters .

This does not mean living with or allowing abuse. By abuse I do not mean the normal slings and arrow words  thrown in a fit of temper.  I mean hard on, bruising physical contact and or a constant barrage of nastiness, name-calling, and verbal put downs. Those are calls for ending a relationship or minimally putting physical distance between you and the ones  who cannot get it together.

Hardest to do when the relationship is long term and you love the other. Still abuse should not be allowed.

The longer the relationship, the more important it is to practice forgiveness and the remember what matters.  Not easy, but easier when you make a decision to practice deliberate kindness in line with the five to one rule.

What’s the five to one rule? It refers to the research of John Gottman. He studied  marriages and found he could predict which would last and which would not. The ones that lasted were those in which good feelings happened five times more often than  bad feelings.

How do you practice deliberate kindness after a bad moment?  First you must wait until the heat of the bad feelings has dampened a bit.  Strong self soothing skills help with that.

Timing also matters. When the atmosphere has eased a bit,  do something small, but caring.

Easiest with small children.  The gurus all say end time outs with a restorative hug.  My grandchildren rush to me when released from time out. Often, I say, “Even when I’m angry, I love you”  or “I don’t love bad behavior, but I do love you.” I do that to try and help them get to a better understanding of unconditional love which forgives all but does not tolerate all.

With the older crowd, very often, just a friendly touch at the right moment works.

Humor sometimes  help.  When my husband and I fight, and the heat of the moment is past, I can joke a bit. Humming the song, “I don’t know why I love you like I do, I just do” signals truce and is often accepted.

Sharing a sweet or suggesting taking a time out for something small both enjoy can be the icing on  the ice cap smothering the heat.

Finally, as do many in a war zone, just doing the every day normal things you do when not angry works.

STAY STRONG

If you like this post share it with another.  That is practicing deliberate kindness.  A second important aspect of practicing kindness, whether deliberate, randomed, planned or not, is being aware you are being kind. That strengthens you.

An important Emotional Fitness Exercises asks you to make a “Done List” instead of a “To Do List,.”  When you act kindly, add that act  to the Done List and enjoy being a kind person.

As always, thank you for your support.

Katherine

This post fits in with Today’s Word Press’s DAILY PROMPT  –  Unlikely Pairing: Bacon and chocolate, caramel and cheddar… Is there an unorthodox food pairing you really enjoy? Share with us the weirdest combo you’re willing to admit that you like — and how you discovered it.

In terms of food I have two mixtures others do not get: coffee, cayenne pepper, a sprinkle of salt and vanilla creamer. Yum.  Then there is vanilla ice cream, whipped cream topped with maple syrup and salt and sometimes even a sprinkle of the cayenne.

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 A Free Poster Coach

Three steps to forgiveness. This poster coach begins the process of learning to forgive yourself and others.

Three steps to forgiveness