Tag Archives: Self care

FEELING AWARENESS MEANS BEING A FEELING DETECTIVE – SESSION TWO

SESSION TWO: Feelings  can hide, strengthen quietly,  then jump out of hiding to become your boss. You need to know when a feeling first visits to stay its boss.

How feeling come and go.

First visit to the 101 course? Go here to start at the beginning.

WHY FEELING AWARENESS MATTERS  As has been  said, “Keep your friends close; your enemies closer.”  Knowledge is power.  The more you know about feelings, the more you control.  That knowledge starts with understanding The Life Cycle of a Feeling.

You will also be helped by this tact: Neurobiologists say the Life Cycle of a Feeling lasts less than a minute;

“Not true” you are probably saying to yourself, “I can be angry for hours or sad for days.”

Feels true, but feelings only seem to go on and on. Why? Because something keeps triggering the feeling  again  and again. Without a re-triggering event all feeling die quick deaths.

Think of the prick that comes when blood is drawn from your finger. Prick hurts, but the pain is gone in  a few seconds.

Emotional pricks should vanish as quickly.  Someone gives you the finger because you are driving slower than s/he likes? Do you  fall victim to road rage or  shrug your shoulders and be  happy the impatient driver is ahead of you?

Being able to shrug your shoulders  starts knowing as soon as possible when troublesome feelings first come calling, naming them accurately, so you can stop triggering them.

FEELING AWARENESS EXERCISE: Think about your day for a few minutes.  Make a  list of the feelings that have visited you since you first opened your eyes.  Jotting down the name of each feeling  best; writing focuses thoughts and improves recall. Moreover, it makes it easier to count the different feelings and basically what this exercise is looking for is the number of feelings, nothing more. However you decide to  go spend four or five minutes making a list.

How many feelings did you come up with?  Hopeful, at least  seven or eight of the mighty ten.  The mighty ten are the most common feelings across the world. Those ten? Better (as in “I feel better” or “I am feeling better now”), bad, good, guilty, sorry, sick, well, comfortable, great, happy.

Others think confusion, interest, sadness, anger,  shame, despair and fear should be on that list. One theorist says there are almost as many feelings as there are people.

However, here is a kicker: two groups of experts, Freudians and Behaviorists,  think all feelings boil down to pleasure or pain.  Those two groups disagree about almost everything else, but both insist pleasure are pain are at the bottom of all other feelings. More about that later.

For now, spend a  few moments adding any feelings to your list that the above has brought to mind.

What does it all mean? First, the more feelings, the more skilled you are at naming feelings and the stronger your feeling awareness. The fewer feelings the more you need to become more attuned to your feelings.

Some note only positive feelings and that  is a bit worrisome.  Even the Dalai Lama, despite being trained all his life in the art of serenity, knows anger, upset, and sadness .  The main concern here, is that you are stuffing feelings and in time they will not stay stuffed,  but join together and burst forth to make trouble.

Another worry is getting stuck most of the time in a negative feeling.  Getting stuck in one feeling means that feeling is bossing you.

What to do? Keep on taking this course and even if you found lots and lots of feelings, learn and practice the Sad to Mad to Glad  Feeling Awareness Exercise detailed below. Why? Star athletes know it is not enough to learn a skill, it must be continually practiced to stay effective.

Sad to mad to glad

Next up.  A bit about how to properly practice an Emotional Fitness exercise.   Then another exercise to improve your feeling awareness.

As always thank you for all you do including liking, commenting, or sharing.

Katherine

LINKS OF INTEREST

POST INSPIRATION: DAILY PROMPT

One-Way Street  Congrats! You’re the owner of a new time machine. The catch? It comes in two models, each traveling one way only: the past OR the future. Which do you choose, and why?

I pick the future, it is always more full of hope, more in my power to control. At the same time, I would want to carry forward all the lessons of the past.

FREE STUFF FROM EFTI

Go to the EFTI store and browse its offerings for inspirational quotes or exercises. Go there and subscribe to be notified of new additions.

How To Forgive Others and Yourself – Five tips

As a Jew this is the time of year to examine your behavior, seek forgiveness when you have failed go follow the right path, forgive others, and move forward.

Forgiveness quote

Emotional fitness thoughts

A guilty conscience is the first line of punishment. Forgiving others begins with realizing your need for forgiveness and examining your guilty conscience.  Why? Doing so connects you to what Judaism calls your  “Evil Inclinations.”

We all “Evil Inclinations”  These are the  selfish parts of each human that seeks personal needs without regard to others. Knowing our capacity for evil builds empathy, not just for yourself, but for those who do evil.

The second of the ten commandments prohibits  Idolatry.   The simplest way to think of the sin of Idolatry is to see it as “I Idolize I.”  I put my needs and wants above all others and do not care how others are hurt when I am seeking to meet my wants and desires.

Judaism’s  central premise of ethical  behavior is not to hurt others in ways you do not want to be hurt. The central mission of Judaism is the practice of Tikkun Olam, repairing the universe – trying to bring about a just and kind world.

Sins are not just personal faults or mis-doings according to Judaism.  On Yom Kippur all observant Jews will gather to confess not only their personal sins but all sins.  I have not murdered, but I will confess to murder; I will confess all sins whether I have personally sinned or not.

Why must I confess other people’s sins? Because when a member of the community sins, all in the community have failed, and therefore, all have sinned.

Emotional fitness tips

 Tip one: Make practicing forgiveness a daily exercise.  Here’s one of my Poster Coaches laying out an easy forgiveness exercise. It starts with forgiving yourself.

forgiveness exercise

 Tip two:  Find a community to support justice and mercy. We need justice in the world because evil takes over individuals and then evil individuals come together to overrule justice and kindness. We need a community because we need support in our efforts to practice justice and kindeness.

Tip three: Stay safe and keep other’s safe.  Forgiveness does not mean allowing yourself to be endangered or physically assaulted.

This is why I want  karate Peace Dojo’s to part of every educational facility. The world would be better if  all  students were taught what Peace Dojo’s teach.

Tip four: Grow both your self-awareness and your understanding of why others behave as they do. As one sage said, “To understand all is to forgive all.”

Tip five: Do not be swayed by evil beliefs dressed in fancy clothes. Here are five examples:

  1. Your parents, friends,  teachers, preachers, celebrities, journalists, politicians,  world leaders all speak the truth and nothing but the truth. Truth is in the eye of the beholder at least when spilled forth from a human mouth or pen or brain. You need to read oppositional points of view and even then your biases will often lead you to simple but not complete views of the truth.
  2. Things will make you happy: Despite all that the admen want you to believe, things cannot make you happy. Nor can winning the lottery, becoming a media star, being prettier, or having more money in the bank.
  3. You can have it all:  Just not possible. You can have lots, but no one has it all.
  4. You can just do it: Oprah says if she became a star anyone can. She lies. She demeans her talents and drive. She also sets a side luck meaning she had people who believed in her and she was in the right place at the right time. Imagine if she had been born before Lincoln freed the slaves.
  5. Follow your heart, your gut or your intuition.  Love is blind, murderers follow their guy, intuition only works some of the time. Marrying thought and heart, gut, intuition works best.

Stay STrong

At the moment of our death,  some say, our  lives flash before our eyes. Getting stuck in the viewing the evil we have done is my personal idea of hell.   We know deep in our hearts all we have done wrong.  Not just the stuff of our personal consciences which are dictated by our culture, our families, and our personal experiences, but the stuff  viewed by the eyes of the Creator, the Higher Power, or what most of us call our God.

One of the thoughts about Yom Kippur, is that is the day God judges humankind, but then leaves the throne of justice and sits on the throne of mercy.  From that throne forgiveness is given all who see they have sinned and seek to sin no more.

Knowing what matters and knowing that is being kind, makes forgiving all th more possible. My Mission and Goals E-book elaborates on that concept.

If you like this post share it with another.  That is practicing deliberate kindness which is another easy Emotional Fitness Exercise and the sublect of today’s Free Poster Coach.

As always, thank you for your support.

Katherine

LINKS OF INTEREST

POST INSPIRATION

Word Press’s Post of the Day:   Howl at the Moon – “Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.” Do you follow Ginsberg’s advice — in your writing and/or in your everyday life?

Yes, I howl at the moon, but I try to remember what matters and to behave accordingly.

FREE STUFF FROM EFTI

Go to the EFTI store and browse its offerings for inspirational quotes or exercises. Go there and subscribe to be notified of new additions.

 

HOW TO LIVE WITH A BITTER – SWEET RELATIONSHIP

Stop to think for a minute about the feelings involved in your closest and longest relationships. Finding both  the bitter and the sweet?  Probably. Reality calling.

According to test results you are full of blood, bones, and organs...disgusting. Emotional Intelligence Thoughts and Tips

 Babies, children, parents, friends and lovers all eventually  make you wrinkle your nose in disgust and shatter your heart with betrayal. 

Stopping to  think honestly about the feelings involved in your closest and longest relationships (thinking is the game plan for improving your emotional  intelligence) and you cannot avoid the mixing of the bitter and the sweet.

What to do? Practice kindness, gratitude, forgiveness and remember what matters .

This does not mean living with or allowing abuse. By abuse I do not mean the normal slings and arrow words  thrown in a fit of temper.  I mean hard on, bruising physical contact and or a constant barrage of nastiness, name-calling, and verbal put downs. Those are calls for ending a relationship or minimally putting physical distance between you and the ones  who cannot get it together.

Hardest to do when the relationship is long term and you love the other. Still abuse should not be allowed.

The longer the relationship, the more important it is to practice forgiveness and the remember what matters.  Not easy, but easier when you make a decision to practice deliberate kindness in line with the five to one rule.

What’s the five to one rule? It refers to the research of John Gottman. He studied  marriages and found he could predict which would last and which would not. The ones that lasted were those in which good feelings happened five times more often than  bad feelings.

How do you practice deliberate kindness after a bad moment?  First you must wait until the heat of the bad feelings has dampened a bit.  Strong self soothing skills help with that.

Timing also matters. When the atmosphere has eased a bit,  do something small, but caring.

Easiest with small children.  The gurus all say end time outs with a restorative hug.  My grandchildren rush to me when released from time out. Often, I say, “Even when I’m angry, I love you”  or “I don’t love bad behavior, but I do love you.” I do that to try and help them get to a better understanding of unconditional love which forgives all but does not tolerate all.

With the older crowd, very often, just a friendly touch at the right moment works.

Humor sometimes  help.  When my husband and I fight, and the heat of the moment is past, I can joke a bit. Humming the song, “I don’t know why I love you like I do, I just do” signals truce and is often accepted.

Sharing a sweet or suggesting taking a time out for something small both enjoy can be the icing on  the ice cap smothering the heat.

Finally, as do many in a war zone, just doing the every day normal things you do when not angry works.

STAY STRONG

If you like this post share it with another.  That is practicing deliberate kindness.  A second important aspect of practicing kindness, whether deliberate, randomed, planned or not, is being aware you are being kind. That strengthens you.

An important Emotional Fitness Exercises asks you to make a “Done List” instead of a “To Do List,.”  When you act kindly, add that act  to the Done List and enjoy being a kind person.

As always, thank you for your support.

Katherine

This post fits in with Today’s Word Press’s DAILY PROMPT  –  Unlikely Pairing: Bacon and chocolate, caramel and cheddar… Is there an unorthodox food pairing you really enjoy? Share with us the weirdest combo you’re willing to admit that you like — and how you discovered it.

In terms of food I have two mixtures others do not get: coffee, cayenne pepper, a sprinkle of salt and vanilla creamer. Yum.  Then there is vanilla ice cream, whipped cream topped with maple syrup and salt and sometimes even a sprinkle of the cayenne.

LINKS OF INTEREST

 A Free Poster Coach

Three steps to forgiveness. This poster coach begins the process of learning to forgive yourself and others.

Three steps to forgiveness

 

 

Teaching hate? Much too easy.

What song keeps you going in times of trouble.? This Summer of Hate calls forth this one to me. Reminds me to teach love, not hate.  #emotionalintelligence tips

You've got to be taught to hate.

This post inspired by this Word Press Daily Prompt:Music Marker We all have songs that remind us of specific periods and events in our lives. Twenty years from now, which song will remind you of the summer of 2014?   See the above.

Emotional intelligence tips

Hate is a sign of weak #emotionalintelligence whether done by a culture,  a religion,  parents, teachers, friends, or the media.  All who teach hate to children fail all. 
Emotional intelligence tip one:  Purge your heart of hatred. Not as hard as you think providing you accept that all people do the best they can given the lessons they have been  taught by life and parents and others.  Learn EFTI’s  emotional intelligence boosting Three Steps to Forgiveness Exercise.
Emotional intelligence tip two: Be alert to media messages promoting hate.  These can be as subtle as sports fans yelling “Kill the umpire” or as strong as calls for “Death to the infidel.”Emotional intelligence tip three: Use fact checking sites to root out the false lies of propaganda.Emotional intelligence tip four: Improve the your understanding of the other’s point of view by reading or listening to their spokes people. Only attending to what is said by only those who agree with you is not emotionally intelligent.Emotional intelligence tip five:  Speak out against hate, silence colludes.

STAY STRONG

Thank you for all you do, enjoy and be grateful for all you have been given, practice kindness, work every way you can to abolish hate.  Help me do the dame by  liking, sharing, or commenting.

Katherine

LINKS OF INTEREST

Image by Emotional Fitness Training Inc.