Tag Archives: Self-help

GETTING MORE EMOTIONALLY FIT – SESSION ONE

SESSION ONE: Anger, shame, guilt, fear, desire, pain, sadness, jealousy, or lust bossing you?  Take this EFTI course and boss the feelings trying to boss you.

EQ instagrom intro to efti

Emotional Fitness tRAINING’s 101 Course

I am offering this course  on my blog and Emotional Fitness Facebook Page. The course puts you in charge of the feelings that boss you and create problems.  Being in  charge of your feelings keeps you on the path to the good life.

WHAT IS EMOTIONAL FITNESS?

Emotional fitness is about managing feelings. We can own our feelings or our feelings can own us.  Anger is a feeling that tries to own us: “I was angry; I couldn’t help myself.”  Sadness is another feeling that can own us. “I couldn’t do my work, I was so sad, I just sat there and cried.”  When we own our feelings, we are in control.

We are in charge of some feelings, not in charge of others. Sometimes we soar; sometimes we can’t get off the ground.  Everyone’s ability to manage one or another negative feeling can be improved.  Taking control of your feelings requires mastery of six skills

  1.  Feeling awareness: knowing when a feeling starts and how accurately name various feelings.
  2. Feeling measurement: knowing how to measure the growth of negative feelings so you can take action before the feeling controls you.
  3.  Self-soothing: calming the body so feelings do not take over.
  4.  Focusing the mind on what matters: knowing what is important—having a life affirming mission, setting positive goals
  5.  Feeling management: strategizing or thinking about how to act on what is important.
  6.  Acceptance and letting go: dealing with what cannot be changed.

EFTI  programs are based on the fitness model.  Even if born with a great athletic talent, you need practice and training to become a star.  So it is with emotional fitness;  emotional fitness levels and needs vary as widely as physical fitness levels and needs.  To star at managing feelings, you need training and practice.

 WHAt You need to know about the course

The course is based on courses I taught as a professor at Columbia University Graduate School of Social Work, on my experiences as the director of New York City crisis teams before, during and after 9/11, on my years as a foster parent caring for teens in trouble with the law, and on the growing interest in Emotional Intelligence.

My unique experience as a foster parent, lead me to want to turn clinical knowledge into  practical tips and exercises. There are six skills, and twelve daily exercises to review or  learn, and then strengthen.

The course is also designed to take at several levels. You can just scan the posts and take what you want or need when you can.

You can obtain a certificate of accomplishment  for adding to your resume by taking the course as you would a college course. Doing so involves taking  several mastery based tests as you work through the course. The mastery approach involves a self-graded testing system. When you take the test, if you fail, you simply review the material and take the test again. Few fail as the course is specifically designed to answer the questions. When you complete the course this way, you need to pay a small fee for the processing of your tests and issuing the certificate.

If you need  a certificate of completion for anger management, please contact us at emotfit@live.com for more information.  Taking the course may be enough, but more might be needed if you are court referred mandated to take anger management.

Finally, those  with credentials as a therapist or coach can use the course as the springboard for licensing as an Emotional Fitness Trainer.  If that is your interest contact me at emotfit@live.com.

To start you off, here are seven feelings facts you need to know and think about.

Seven Feeling factsOne of the questions on a test would be to state Feeling Fact Number Seven as that is the essentially Emotional Fitness Training’s Game Plan.

If you are a parent, taking this course, buffers you against the slings and arrows involved in raising children. Most importantly, however, the more emotionally fit you are, the more emotionally fit your children will be.

I hope you will share this information. As always, thank you for your support.

Katherine

LINKS OF INTEREST

POST INSPIRATION: DAILY PROMPT

IN TRANSIT: Train stations, airport terminals, subway stops: soulless spaces full of distracted, stressed zombies, or magical sets for fleeting, interlocking human stories?

Life is always in transit and most of the magic comes from you and your willingness to connect kindly to others.  Emotion Fitness Training makes that more possible.

FREE STUFF FROM EFTI

Go to the EFTI store and browse its offerings for inspirational quotes or exercises. Go there and subscribe to be notified of new additions.

How To Forgive Others and Yourself – Five tips

As a Jew this is the time of year to examine your behavior, seek forgiveness when you have failed go follow the right path, forgive others, and move forward.

Forgiveness quote

Emotional fitness thoughts

A guilty conscience is the first line of punishment. Forgiving others begins with realizing your need for forgiveness and examining your guilty conscience.  Why? Doing so connects you to what Judaism calls your  “Evil Inclinations.”

We all “Evil Inclinations”  These are the  selfish parts of each human that seeks personal needs without regard to others. Knowing our capacity for evil builds empathy, not just for yourself, but for those who do evil.

The second of the ten commandments prohibits  Idolatry.   The simplest way to think of the sin of Idolatry is to see it as “I Idolize I.”  I put my needs and wants above all others and do not care how others are hurt when I am seeking to meet my wants and desires.

Judaism’s  central premise of ethical  behavior is not to hurt others in ways you do not want to be hurt. The central mission of Judaism is the practice of Tikkun Olam, repairing the universe – trying to bring about a just and kind world.

Sins are not just personal faults or mis-doings according to Judaism.  On Yom Kippur all observant Jews will gather to confess not only their personal sins but all sins.  I have not murdered, but I will confess to murder; I will confess all sins whether I have personally sinned or not.

Why must I confess other people’s sins? Because when a member of the community sins, all in the community have failed, and therefore, all have sinned.

Emotional fitness tips

 Tip one: Make practicing forgiveness a daily exercise.  Here’s one of my Poster Coaches laying out an easy forgiveness exercise. It starts with forgiving yourself.

forgiveness exercise

 Tip two:  Find a community to support justice and mercy. We need justice in the world because evil takes over individuals and then evil individuals come together to overrule justice and kindness. We need a community because we need support in our efforts to practice justice and kindeness.

Tip three: Stay safe and keep other’s safe.  Forgiveness does not mean allowing yourself to be endangered or physically assaulted.

This is why I want  karate Peace Dojo’s to part of every educational facility. The world would be better if  all  students were taught what Peace Dojo’s teach.

Tip four: Grow both your self-awareness and your understanding of why others behave as they do. As one sage said, “To understand all is to forgive all.”

Tip five: Do not be swayed by evil beliefs dressed in fancy clothes. Here are five examples:

  1. Your parents, friends,  teachers, preachers, celebrities, journalists, politicians,  world leaders all speak the truth and nothing but the truth. Truth is in the eye of the beholder at least when spilled forth from a human mouth or pen or brain. You need to read oppositional points of view and even then your biases will often lead you to simple but not complete views of the truth.
  2. Things will make you happy: Despite all that the admen want you to believe, things cannot make you happy. Nor can winning the lottery, becoming a media star, being prettier, or having more money in the bank.
  3. You can have it all:  Just not possible. You can have lots, but no one has it all.
  4. You can just do it: Oprah says if she became a star anyone can. She lies. She demeans her talents and drive. She also sets a side luck meaning she had people who believed in her and she was in the right place at the right time. Imagine if she had been born before Lincoln freed the slaves.
  5. Follow your heart, your gut or your intuition.  Love is blind, murderers follow their guy, intuition only works some of the time. Marrying thought and heart, gut, intuition works best.

Stay STrong

At the moment of our death,  some say, our  lives flash before our eyes. Getting stuck in the viewing the evil we have done is my personal idea of hell.   We know deep in our hearts all we have done wrong.  Not just the stuff of our personal consciences which are dictated by our culture, our families, and our personal experiences, but the stuff  viewed by the eyes of the Creator, the Higher Power, or what most of us call our God.

One of the thoughts about Yom Kippur, is that is the day God judges humankind, but then leaves the throne of justice and sits on the throne of mercy.  From that throne forgiveness is given all who see they have sinned and seek to sin no more.

Knowing what matters and knowing that is being kind, makes forgiving all th more possible. My Mission and Goals E-book elaborates on that concept.

If you like this post share it with another.  That is practicing deliberate kindness which is another easy Emotional Fitness Exercise and the sublect of today’s Free Poster Coach.

As always, thank you for your support.

Katherine

LINKS OF INTEREST

POST INSPIRATION

Word Press’s Post of the Day:   Howl at the Moon – “Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.” Do you follow Ginsberg’s advice — in your writing and/or in your everyday life?

Yes, I howl at the moon, but I try to remember what matters and to behave accordingly.

FREE STUFF FROM EFTI

Go to the EFTI store and browse its offerings for inspirational quotes or exercises. Go there and subscribe to be notified of new additions.

 

How and When to Lie – Five Tips

Honesty is both the bedrock and the lava of all relationships. Honesty either burns you or keeps your relationship rock solid.  You need to know when to lie.

I lied so get over it.

Emotional Fitness Thoughts

Leadership gurus starting with  parents, teachers, preachers, bosses, coaches, and ending with politicians caught up in the happiness craze believe when the truth might hurt, lies are better. Not my idea of how to build trust and lay the foundation for a good relationship.

My father was born to praise.  His Golden Rule: “If you can’t say anything nice, shut your mouth.”  Not as great as you think.  Why?

I never was sure where I stood.  I knew in my heart, I was not always praiseworthy.   Confession: one of the reasons I fell for the man I married and stayed married to as he tells it like it is.  No doubt at all where you stand.

And, of course, there are times I would like him to shut his mouth.  But, I rely on the fact that he says what he means and means what he says and that is a better foundation than not knowing what someone who has your heart in their possession  really thinks.

Reality check: Honesty is not always the best policy and lies come in many sizes and shapes. Some lies promote caring relationships; others destroy the most caring relationship.

“Be kind lies” are those  little white lies that skirt the truth but make someone feel better without doing harm.

Lies of omission can be good or bad.  Good when the information will do no good; bad when the attempt is to deceive.

“Selling something” lies can be either good or bad. Helping sell someone on their worth is good. Hiding or lying or distorting benefits or dangers to sell a product is bad.

Then there are “necessary lies” that  keep people safe. Your child is kidnapped. Your are arranging to deliver the ransom with the kidnapper; you tell him the police are not involved when one is sitting next to you. Another necessary lie: your country is at war, you withhold information necessary to safe guard troops.

Good lies do no harm, bad lies harm. That is simplistic, but  remains the core of knowing when and how to lie.

EMOTIONAL fiTNESS TIPS

Here are five  tips to help you be an effective liar.

Tip one: Tell as few lies as possible. As the bedrock of long term relationships, honesty matters.

Tip two: Be aware of when you are lying and why.

Tip three: If you are lying to cover up some wrong you did, stop misbehaving.  Confessing might be helpful, might not. If you confess make that matter by apologizing correctly.  Here is reminder of how to apologize properly.

How to apology

Tip four: Learn the art of saying what you mean, meaning what you say, but not saying it mean. How? Keep your tone of voice gentle, your face loving, your words, and end with a possitive.

Tip five: When you find another has lied to you, practice forgiveness, but trust less, at least for a while.

When I was a foster parent, I extended trust and believed what I was told until a had proof a child was lying. Then I would pick when to believe that child.  I made it a point to not believe one who had lied to me when I knew s/he was telling the truth. Enraging, but a lift of my eyebrows and a quiet reminder of the lie drove an important life lesson home.

STAYING STRONG

The tips seem easy, but the fact is lying can become an easy out and a bad habit.  The “Be Kind” Lies can get you into lying more and more often.  What to do? You need not take truth serum, but you can stop the “Be Kind” lies first.

The harder ones to stop are those covering wrong doing for you need to stop doing wrong. Not always easy and if you find yourself continuing to having to lie about wrong doing, get some help.

FUEL MY HOPES:  Be kind to  me,  share, rate, like, or comment and get kindness badges for you, and  others.  Kindness is an Emotional Fitness Exercise.  Click here for all 12 Daily Emotional Fitness Training Exercises.

IMAGE BYPhotobucket.com

LINKS OF INTEREST

FREE STUFF FROM EFTI

Go to the EFTI store and browse its offerings for inspirational quotes or exercises. Go there and subscribe to be notified of new additions.

POST INSPIRATION

Word Press’s Post of the Day:  Truth Serum:  You’ve come into possession of one vial of truth serum. Who would you give it to (with the person’s consent, of course) — and what questions would you ask?

My answer: Probably the President and the question would what lies have you been telling us and why?

 

How to keep old friends

People change.  I married a Viet NamWar protesting hippy guy who seems to have morphed into Tea Party Man. Married for over forty years. Here’s how.

Love and hate

emotional training thoughts and tip

The longer the relationship, the more intense the relationship, the more likely loving feelings will compete regularly with hateful feelings. But the best relationships are glued together wih love. Parents  know that  as much as you want to throw a crying baby out the window, love keeps the child safe.

Today’s Word Press Prompt posed this:  How would you get along with your sibling(s), parent(s), or any other person you’ve known for a long time — if you only met them for the first time today?

To me that question is not what matters.  Relationships that start strong, but then don’t stay the course bruise someone, mostly the young, but often the abandoned once loved one.  Children in particular need their parents to stay together.  With the divorce rate at almost 50% that is not a very popular opinion; however, except for physically or intensely emotionally abusive marriages, the studies show divorce hurts children. Moreover, second marriages end faster and more often than first. To me that means many people are chasing the blue bird of happiness all the wrong way.

Would my kids get along with me or their father today if meeting for the first time? Not at first. All are opinionated men and their opinions are not alike.

On the other hand if  we were forced to spend  time living together so that we shared  laughs and broke bread together we would learned more about each other than our political or religious views, then we might come to where we are now.  Where is that? Close and able to survive the down times and the gulfs that separate one generation from another, one person from another.

This applies not just to family but to friends.  I have one very good friend dating back to when we met in kindergarten.  I have another whole group of friends from college.  If we met now, we would probably go our separate ways, but history is the glue that ties us together and makes me grateful they are part of my life.

Here are what kept our relationships going.

Tip one: The five to one rule. To maintain a relationship make five good times for each bad time. My opinated husband not only makes me laugh lots, but he also honors my brain. That he likes my cooking helps him overlook some of the differences between us.

A variation? When angry think of five good things about the person you are angry with;  your anger will fade.

Tip two: Hone your ability to forgive and to ask for forgivenss. A movie fantasy says “Love is nver having to say you are sorry.  Which is like saying people are perfect.  Not true. Even without wanting to hurt another we do. Sayiny you are sorry is a useful relationship tool, but more useful is knowing how to forgive.  

Here  is today’s free EFTI poster for practicing forgiveness:

Three steps to forgiveness

STAYING STRONG

Life is a struggle and relationships a major part of the struggle.  All the more reason to work to maintain those that once worked.  Kindness combined with gratitude and mixed in with forgiveness give all relationships the possibility of not just surviving but thriving .

Thank you for all you do including liking, commenting, or sharing. Kindness blesses the giver and the receiver.

Katherine

LINKS OF INTEREST

 WORD PRESS DAILY PROMPT

Daily Post Sept 16, 2014 DAILY PROMPT  Delayed Contact  How would you get along with your sibling(s), parent(s), or any other person you’ve known for a long time — if you only met them for the first time today?

Answered above.

FREE STUFF FROM EFTI

Go to the EFTI store and browse its offerings for inspirational quotes or exercies like today’s Poster Coach