Tag Archives: Self-help

How to Use Memories to Stay Strong

Memories serve to keep us safe. As Mark Twain noted no cat sits twice on a hot stove — that also means no cat sits on a cold stove.  More to think about:

Quotes about memories

Emotional Fitness Training is designed to keep negative feelings from controlling. Memories trigger feelings, some good, some bad. Looking for the lessons  found  in your bad memories marks you as emotionally fit,  what others call Emotional Intelligence.

Memory books strengthening  your ability to find the lessons bad times bring. Here is a quick Emotional Fitness Training look at Memory Books.

WHO SHOULD MAKE A MEMORY BOOK?

Everyone and parents in particular.

If you are a parent, try to make a family memory book.  Start with creating your own book and encourage your child’s other parent to do the same. Build on those two as you create a Family Memory Book.

Some parents start their child’s memory book, but as soon as the child can, he or she should be part of creating his own memory book as well as contributing to the larger family memory book if one is being kept.

SOME EASY IDEAS TO GET STARTED

Start with a memory box. Use it to gather items that you think might  belong in a memory book (like party invitations, pictures, various reports, notes, etc).

Do not collect only happy memories. As Stephen Levine author of A Year to Live, noted “Simply touching a difficult memory with some slight willingness to heal begins to soften the holding and tension around it. (74)”

When going through a trauma put items in the box that can be used to make a memory page at some later date when the pain is less and you want to hold on to the good.

Establish a routine for making memory book pages.  Some devote one evening a month to sorting through the boxes and making one or two memory pages; others make it birthday, holiday, after a vacation or other special event activity

USING YOUR MEMORY BOOK TO STAY STRONG

 Review it off and on. When making a new page is a good time to flip through it quickly. Focus particularly on the good memories. Those are the ones you want to strengthen.

To so with full awareness.  That is done by meditating before and after the exercise.  Sound too difficult?  Not once you have learned and practiced  EFT’s One Minute Meditation.

Do not neglect bad times, particularly the  bad times  that have  you reeling and not able to do much but crawl ahead. While enduring a bad time try to call up a similar bad time you survived and hold it in your heart as tiy sat  “I am a survivor, and I will survive this.”

Once you can function a bit normally, write about this bad time and add it to your memory book. Doing so moves the healing forward.

However, do not dwell on the bad endlessly.  One of the problems with talk therapy is that it focuses often on just the bad stuff. Good for a time when the bad stuff first occurs.  Not good if not  used to learn lessons and reaffirm you strength and let you move on.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO

Please Practice Kindness by sharing all you find of value on the internet including this post.  All here crave recognition.

A like says “Thank You.”

Comments say you have read and thought about the post.

Sharing is a gift to three people: the blogger, the people you share with, and you for your kindness bless you.

Stay strong, it is not always easy.

Katherine

This post was inspired by this WordPress Daily Prompt: Memory on the Menu by Ben Huberman Which good memories are better — the recent and vivid ones, or those that time has covered in a sweet haze?

LINKS OF INTEREST

These links are for those not familiar with Emotional Intelligence or the idea of Emotional Fitness.

 

 

5 Ways to Combat Loneliness

Loneliness is a fact of life. Visits all – sometimes when we are alone,:often when with another.  How much it hurts is mostly up to you.

Ways to make the most of loneliness

Many things accentuate loneliness. Just being alone lots; being the odd person out in any group;  and saddest for all, not being heard or understood, particularly by someone you love.

Myths and media add to  loneliness’ pain. Believing “The Happy Every After” myth dooms one to loneliness when the bad stuff intrudes as happens in all relationships. The happiest of married couples find this out when one of them dies. That may explain in part why 50% of  long married spouses die within six months of each other.

The media inflicts its pain by reinforcing:The Happy Ever After” myth as it hawks images of happy people,  laughing or playing with at least one other happy, laughing playing partner.

My lonely times started when I was seven and had to change schools. I was the first new girl in my class and not welcomed. In time, I found friends. then in my teens also found my one true love which lasted four years, but when it ended the pain seemed at first to be a for ever after one.

In time, I moved on to other loves,  but remained unmarried until in my early thirties. That made me “an odd one out” at a time when women’s primary goal was marriage and motherhood.

Marriage and motherhood brought joy and wonder. Marriage and motherhood also brought times of great loneliness.

Now I am growing more deal by the day . The  loneliness of not being heard as well as not hearing once again makes me the odd person out and lonely, particularly in crowds.

As Kate Locke, deaf from childhood, noted “Many people don’t realize just how difficult deafness can be.  It is a hidden disability, an isolating disability, because it is one of communication.”

She describes a situation I am coming to know all too well; she was a college student at the time:   “… one day I really thought I had a relevent and interesting comment to make about a topic we were discussing. So I put my hand up, said my bit, and there was silence. The lecturer looked at me in a funny way, and said: “I just said that.’I was so embarrassed. I never made another comment or participated in that class again.”

She also thought seriously of committing suicide during her college years. I urge you to read her blog The Isolation of Deafness and Considering Suicide. 

Whenever I open my mouth thinking I have heard what is going on, I am opening my heart to “funny looks.”  Even among those who I know love me most get a look that says I am the odd one out. In public many are polite, but the hurt remains and so I grow more silent every day.

The following tips, while not magic, help me.

Emotional Fitness Training Tip One: Examine your beliefs about loneliness, “The Happy Ever After Myth”  and what matters.  Doing so will reduce unrealistic expectations and keep you from “awfulizing” when lonely.

Psychologist Albert Ellis coined the term awfulizing. Awfulizing is a form of  twisted thinking that turns grains of sand into boulders blocking your path. Think of a teenager who won’t leave the house because of a pimple no one else notices.

I am not suggesting a Pollyanna solution. Loneliness is painful. Nonetheless, your thoughts, beliefs, and actions have the power to worsen or relieve that pain.

Emotional Fitness Training Tip Two: Have a life mission.  Mission statements are big in the business world, and where I first encountered them. However, once I thought about my personal mission, my life acquired a focus that gave  me a better sense of who I am, what I stand for, and how I want to be as a person.

As one poet  said, “I have to live with myself and so I want to be good for myself to know. ”

If you like who you are, being alone moderates loneliness.

Emotional Fitness Training Tip Three: Set SMART goals. Your mission defines who you are, but goals are the smaller way stations of life. SMART Goals are also a business tool, but again, one that works for individuals also.

How to set SMART Goals

Emotional Fitness Training Tip Four: Get a hobby, in fact get two.  Make one of your hobbies something that takes you totally out of yourself into another place or world. The hypnotists call this a trance state.  Reading page-turning books do this for me. A good novel or well crafted mystery and I am involved with the characters and, so for the moment,  forget all but the most horrendous of life pains.

Make the second of your hobbies, creating something. Obviously, blogging does that for me, but so does crocheting. Both give me a sense of purpose. Crocheting has an added value as it has a  meditative, soothing quality; and finally in time I end up with something concrete that I can take pleasure in having created.

Emotional Fitness Training Tip Five: Practice some Easy Emotional Fitness Exercises. In fact practice all Twelve.

12 Easy Emotional Fitness Exerciises

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO

Please Practice Kindness by sharing all you find of value on the internet.  It is easy and lifts the poster’s spirits. All here crave recognition.

A like says “Thank You.”

Comments say you have read and thought about the post.

Sharing is a gift to three people: the blogger, the people you share with, and you for your kindness bless you.

Stay strong, it is not always easy.

Katherine

This post was somewhat inspired by this WordPress Daily Prompt.  Futures Past – As a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? How close or far are you from that vision? (Thank you, mirakraz and tori23, for inspiring this prompt!)

Not that I followed the post, but it did prompt my thinking about growing as a human being.  Here is a direct answer about  my first dream of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was taken to the movie National Velvet when I was eight years old. From then on all I wanted to be was a jockey.

By the time I was 11 years old, I was 5’8″ and still growing. Despairing, I spent quite a few evenings sitting in bed after lights out, with a huge dictionary on my head, hoping to keep the inches from piling up. Hurt my neck and I gave up that dream.

Then I wanted to be writer, but had dyslexia and when college was done the only job I could get was as a Social Worker. Lucky me that was my true vocation.

LINKS OF INTEREST

These links are for those not familiar with Emotional Intelligence or the idea of Emotional Fitness.

 

1 Mega Tip Plus a Few Others to Clear Up Faulty Thinking

We all have our histories, we all are taught other histories then we shape our lives on both versions one which maybe true than the other. Think about this:

Quote from Declaration of Independece

As an African proverb from the Ewe-mina tribe notes:”Gnatola ma no kpon sia, eyenabe adelan to kpo mi sena.” meaning in English “Until the lion has his or her own storyteller, the hunter will always have the best part of the story.”

For the men who wrote the Declaration of Independence, the emphasis was on the right to pursue happiness.   Today those word are  often  interpreted as the right to be happy. More so on the Social Media, but also on revered newspapers like the New York Times.

Questions to ask before believing something

Thinking you have a right to be happy fuels anger or despair  when you are not happy.  If you get angry, you feel it is right to fight those you blame for making you unhappy.; not useful.  If you despair, you are blaming yourself, also not useful. We all want to be happy, but life is full of pain as well as joy. False expectations of happiness dim the possiblity of enjoying what we can enjoy.

Moreover, the media, particularly those selling stuff, knows that not being happy fuels sales. Why images of perfection and mottos like “Just Do It” have a destructive side. Why I often suggest you practice imperfection and the contentment that comes with “good-enough” or “the best I can do for now.”

A MEGA Emotional Fitness Training tip

Learn to spot twisted thinking in others and in yourself. Because personal desires twist everyone’s thinking; which is why Emotional Fitness Training demands partnering heart and brain.  The more you know about twisted thinking, the better you code reality which is essential if one is to act wisely.  Here’s a quick look at how some thoughts get twisted as we pursue our dreams and desires.

How we twist thoughts to meet desires.

I pursue sharpening my thinking skills in two ways. The easiest ways is looking for examples of the above in social media.

The second way is to take opposing view points in arguments whether I believe the opposition or not. That is why many think I am a Right Wing Conservative and others a far out Leftist, and a few others a Libertarion. Mostly I try to be an independent thinker and vote issues not labels.

This post was somewhat inspired by this WordPress Daily Prompt.  Revisionist History by Michelle W. Go back in time to an event you think could have played out differently for you. Let alternate history have its moment: tell us what could, would or should have happened?

Not that I followed the post, but it did prompt my thinking about history – personal and otherwise.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO

Remember to share all you find of value on the internet.  All here crave recognition. A like says “Thank You.” Comments say you have read and thought about the post. Sharing is a gift to three people: the blogger, the people you share with, and you for your kindness bless you.

Katherine

LINKS OF INTEREST

These links are for those not familiar with Emotional Intelligence or the idea of Emotional Fitness.

 

Tips to Better Controlling Your Future

Reality check: The future is not ours to control. Things happen. These tips offer better control, not control.

Quotes about the future

Emotional Fitness Training Tips

Emotional Fitness Training Tip One: Learn from the past, live now, and plan with hope for tomorrow. 

Emotional Fitness Training Tip Two: Practice Emotional Fitness Training’s 12 Easy Exercises. Each strengthen you to meet whatever your future brings.

Emotional Fitness Training Tip Three: Know your mission.  Your mission is about who you want to be, how you want to live your life and how you want to be remembered.  Despite the push to get things, to be a perfect, to go for the gold, in the end the best lives are lived by following the Golden Rule as this Poster Coach reminds us.

What matters? Kindness to all.

This Poster Coach is available as a free download at the EFTI Store

Emotional Fitness Training Tip Four: Set SMART goals that align with your mission. 

How to set SMART Goals

For more details on knowing you mission and setting smart goals think about buying my eBook. Yes, a bit of an ad. 

Ebook about missions and goals

Costs less than a latte and with Amazon’s Kindle App can be read on most devices. A good gift for graduates and the college bound.

Emotional Fitness Training Tip Five: Practice imperfection.  As noted in this previoius blog post,  pursuing perfection nurtures dissatisfaction with self and others.  Not useful.

This  post was prompted by this WordPress Daily Prompt:  Advantage of Foresight You’ve been granted the power to predict the future! The catch — each time you use your power, it costs you one day (as in, you’ll live one day less). How would you use this power, it at all? (Thanks, sarsidoo, for suggesting a similar prompt!)

I don’t try to predict the future. As the above shows, I try to learn, live, and take what comes gratefully.

A question for you. I do find the WordPress’s Daily Prompts make me think more critically and often spark a post. What I wonder is do you think they distract from the posts or add to them. If the only good is my pleasure I can drop them, but would like your opinions.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO

Remember to share all you find of value on the internet.  All here crave recognition. A like says “Thank You.” Comments say you have read and thought about the post. Sharing is a gift to three people: the blogger, the people you share with, and you for your kindness bless you.

Katherine

LINKS OF INTEREST

These links are for those not familiar with Emotional Intelligence or the idea of Emotional Fitness.