Suviving When Taking a Chance Traumatizes 3 Tips

Common refrain: “Take a Chance.”  Reality check chance’s definition:  what happens  not by design, often by accident and often bad. What to do? Accept.

How to deal with chance gone wrong

My favorite explainer of how we become who we are, Harvard researcher Jerome Kagan,  lists chance as one of the major things shaping us as we walk through life. Flies in face of the happiness gurus, but works for me.

Radical acceptance is the brain child of Marsha Linehan. The EFTI’s poster coach above details the steps needed to practice her concept.  Go to her link for more.

Emotional Fitness Training Tips

Emotional Fitness Training Tip One: Know the difference between everyday hurts and life blows what the experts call trauma. 

As noted above sometimes  a Life Blow hits  so hard, you can only stand where you are and hope you can keep breathing.

Emotional Fitness Training Tip Two: Be aware of the live blows that do not immediately bring you to a stand still. Many only stop you for an hour, or even a day or two, but in time they wear you down and you cannot do what you need to do. This Trauma Measuring Thermometer may help. 

How to deal with chance gone wrong

Emotional Fitness Training Tip Three: Strengthen all your Emotional Fitness Training Skills. Every one of our exercises raises your EQ also known as EI and that stands for Emotional Intelligence. EI is the proven way to find the good life.  Go here for some easy exercises to improve your EI .

Two eBooks will be particularly helpful in strengthening you to withstand trauma. Twelve Emotional Fitness Exercises and Self-soothing To Create Calm in Your Life.  As always my ebooks cost less than a latte or a movie and have more value.

PARENTING TIP

When a young child is hurting, start your comforting with “Bad things happen.” When the child is calming say, “Bad things end.” When the child is ready to go on, say, “You have gathered your strength and  going on.”

As always, help by teaching both rating and self-soothing skills.

Also teach to recognise and seek the helpers when trouble brews. As Fred Rogers noted; “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”

James Garbarino is one of my gurus. I was lucky to have him train my staff and I while managing mental health crisis teams serving children and families before, during and after 911.

I assigned these three  of his books to my students at Columbia University’s School of Social Work.

Any one of them will help your child. And here is a quick video by my favorite parenting guru Jean Tracy videos.

Finally, seek professional help for you and all your family with any traumatizing event.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO

Remember sharing is caring and the easiest way to practice kindness is to share this post if you found it helpful.  Share it even if it doesn’t speak to you, it will speak to some. Didn’t like it?  Comment and tell me why and how to improve.

Katherine

This post was inspired by this WordPress Daily – Take a Chance on Me What’s the biggest chance you ever took? Did it work out? Do tell!

My mother made me a risk taker by constantly saying “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” Thank you Mom and most of the chances have turned out okay. Riding a few difficult horses led to some bad falls, I’ve had my heart-broken a few times, and then there was being in the Bronx during 9/11. Lucky me, I was able to keep crawling ahead. If I review my life it rate mostly at a seven.

OTHER LINKS OF INTEREST

These links are for those not familiar with Emotional Intelligence or the idea of Emotional Fitness.

How To Know When To Ask For Help -3 Tips

Struggling? Don’t know what to do or how to do it? Feeling out of control? You need  help, but first a laugh.

Asking for help joke

An old one, but worth thinking about.

Too many people think it is a sign of weakness to ask for help. It isn’t. In fact most often it is the smart think to do. The very rich know that, although they do not think of paying people to do stuff for you as asking for help.

Emotional Fitness tip one: Ask for all the help you can get that you can afford to pay for. That gives you time to do more of what you love to do.

Emotional Fitness tip two:  Ask for help when your own efforts do not succeed after trying. I go by a three strike, three outs formula and sometimes also wait nine innings before giving up. Nine innings are too long,  but at least three tries is wise.

Emotional Fitness tip three: Think about asking for help if others suggest it is needed. There is a Yiddish proverb that relates to this.“If one person calls you an ass pay no mind, but if  two people call you an ass buy a saddle. “

PARENTING TIP

Teach your children to ask for help by practicing the above tips. Also ask for their help as often as you can. A toddler can help you put away toys, a three-year old can help you clear the table, older kids can do more.

Reward helpful behavior, but not excessively. “Thank you for helping” is sufficient for the small ones. Teens might do better being paid to relieve you of some jobs, but only if doing other chores well and as part of the family.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO

Remember sharing is caring and the easiest way to practice kindness is to share this post if you found it helpful.  Share it even if it doesn’t speak to you, it will speak to some. Didn’t like it?  Comment and tell me why and how to improve.

Katherine

This post was inspired by this WordPress Daily Prompt;  No, Thank You – If you could permanently ban a word from general usage, which one would it be? Why?

Later: I have found when I ask for help, particularly, men and boys, their most usual response is “Later.” Some times “Later” never comes.

OTHER LINKS OF INTEREST

These links are for those not familiar with Emotional Intelligence or the idea of Emotional Fitness.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO

 

How To Let Go – Six Tips

Stuck in the past? Worried about the future? Not in your control. What to do? Live now and read on.

Quotes about the future

So this morning the WordPress Daily prompted asked “Do you believe in fate or do you believe you can control your own destiny?”  Inspired this post.

The Just Do It people seem to think we control all; consider Oprah, Dr. Phil, and all the other happiness, take charge of your life gurus.

Me? I believe in Karma, God, the Force,  free falls, crash landings,  accidents and randomness.

I also believe in what Victor Frankl said after surviving the death of his family and his own years as a Nazi prisoner in their death camps, ““Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

But I also gave up a long time ago thinking I controlled all, that like a good father there was a God listening to all my prayers and arranging my destiny. I made peace with that painful fact by deciding the exchange was the freedom to be me.

Not that I am an atheist or even an agnostic. Perhaps what best describes my religious belief is  hope that there is a power of love working for the greater good of all and the all means not each person’s individual’s life and specific destiny.

As many of you know I converted to Judaism after my marriage. Two things influenced me. I did not want to be the one to end 5000 years of a personal connection to the Jewish tribe. I also has some serious quarrel with the Christian doctrine of salvation which seemed divisive to me by dividing people into the saved and the damned. Judaism does not.

Jesus  is reported as saying in Matthew 7:16-19 KJV: ” Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.  Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.”

That is the heart of Jewish theology. Jesus’ Golden Rule is a rephrasing of Rabbi Hillel’s (who  died when Jesus was 10 years old) response when asked to sum up Jewish theology in one sentence:””That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole Torah; the rest is the explanation; go and learn”.

Neither of my parents were religious. When in the turmoil of my teen years I joined the Presbyterian church, my father joked that the church building would fall in on him when he came to witness my baptism.  My mother once protested a “Hell and Damnation” sermon about smoking by lighting up in front of the preacher. Both,  however, believed in not judging people and being kind. Which probably explains why I felt like I had come home when I converted.

I must also note that my conversion only upset my mother, because she thought I no longer believed in Jesus; she was comforted when I said, “I believe he was a good Jew rebelling against some not so good Jews as well as the Roman Empire.”

We all need to make some sense of why things happen the way they do.   This is what Frankl dubbed meaning making and which is seen as what we all do when faced with traumatic events. We  retain, reaffirm, revise, or replace  existing beliefs in order to find comfort. Meaning making is a way of seeking some control for if we can explain what happens we can better deal with it.

Religions are powerful ways of making meaning.  Sadly,  religions often become tools of those who are more interested in hate, divisiveness and control, than the Golden Rule. Every religious person show work to rid theirs of hate theology and every atheist should not throw out the good with the bad.

Emotional Fitness Training TIPS

Emotional Fitness Tip One: Stop thinking your can control all that happens. There is definitely a force or other forces either in charge or possibly just letting things happen as they may, but who knows?

As Robert Frost once said “We sit in a circle and suppose, the secret sits in the middle and knows.”

Thinking you control or should control what is not in your power creates stress, erodes your emotional fitness, and sets up barriers to what is good in life.

That does not mean you lack control; it also means you have to be realistic about what you control and do not control.

It also means you need to keep control of thinking your beliefs contain the truth and nothing but the truth particularly if they spread hate and not love or divide rather than until people.

Emotional Fitness Tip Two: Get clear on what you do not control. The Mother nature and  other people are the big two.

Emotional Fitness Tip Three: Get clear on why or how control motivates you. William Glasser founder of reality therapy say in his book Control Theory: notes four reasons we seek control:

  1. To keep anger under control
  2. To get others to help us out
  3. To excuse our unwillingness to do something more effective
  4. To gain powerful control

Emotional Fitness Tip Four: Reduce the power of trying to control by replacing the word control with the word influence

Emotional Fitness Tip Five: Strengthen your Emotional Fitness skills; these three help you let go: Accepting Imperfection, Sloganeering, and Practicing Forgiveness. Here’s a Poster Coach about Sloganeering.

Controlling negative self talk by sloganeering.

The brain has a hard time holding two thoughts, repeating slogans  soothes and calms, so the brain can focus on what really matters.

Emotional Fitness Tip Six: Remember what matters. Think about buying my eBook Know Your Mission So You Can Reach You Can Reach Your Goals. It deals with how to make what matters part of your life; more valueable than a latte and less expensive.

Parenting advice

Sloganeering is a great emotional fitness tool for children of all ages. Use them when correcting children and have different ones for different occasions. My mother’s favorites were;

  • Suck it up butter cup.
  • Nothing ventured nothing gained.
  • Play for fun, then you never  lose.
  • Look and wonder.
  • Not your choice, not what you control.

Two of my father”s

  • Life revenges, you don’t need to.
  • If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.
  • Be the kind of person you want to know.
  • Think hard before acting on anger.

Longer than I suggest, but they did shape my life and beliefs.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO

Remember sharing is caring and the easiest way to practice kindness is to share this post if you found it helpful.  Share it even if it doesn’t speak to you, it will speak to some. Didn’t like it?  Comment and tell me why and how to improve.

Katherine

OTHER LINKS OF INTEREST

These links are for those not familiar with Emotional Intelligence or the idea of Emotional Fitness.

How To Use Choice to Control Your Life

Some say we have too many choices – too many offers, too much media hype, too many things to do.  True, but owning your  choices  gives you control.

Poster quote about choice

You don’t get to choose all in this life.  Bolts of lightening come out of the blue, disease strikes, accidents happen, others take us to war, some hold us captive.  But  life also offers happier choices.

Be grateful when you are able to choose  the good things of life.  

Be just as grateful when your choices are not as painful as Pasternak recounts. Too many of us complain about not being thin enough or buff enough or owning this or that when we have shelter from the storm, clean water, plenty of food and people who love us.

As the song goes, “Who can ask for anything more/”

When things are bad, there remain the choice noted by Vicktor Frankel, concentration camp survivor, who said,  “The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.”

He also said, “But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer.”

So choose, but do not deny that some choices  bring suffering to others.   Think about some of the polarizing issues ranted about on most of Western Media. Here are three:

  1. Cut down military spending. Good intention, but strengthens those who would destroy us.
  2. Ban genetically altered food. Another good intention, but most of the food that nourishes us and the world today does so because it has been genetically altered.
  3. Ban all abortions. Good intention, but means more women will die or be maimed.

Emotional Fitness Training Tips

Emotional Fitness Tip One: Think “yes/and” instead of “either/or” to open your mind to thinking more deeply.

Emotional Fitness Tip Two: Know what matters most to you. This means knowing your mission – what you want your life to be about, and your goals. My eBook Know Your Mission So You Can Reach Your Goals puts you on the right track to a good life.  As with all my eBooks, it costs less than a movie and has more value.

Emotional Fitness Tip Three: Look for the truths in views that oppose yours.  There are always truths in a passionate point of view.

Emotional Fitness Tip Four:  Find the middle path on  polarized choices.  

Emotional Fitness Tip Five:  Check out the charities you give to. Many are self serving to the founders, particularly family foundations.

Emotional Fitness Tip Six: As always practice kindness. Particularly  in your small corner of the world where you can be more certain it offers more good than bad.

PARENTING ADVICE

The younger your child the less s/he can think “yes/and.” You can encourage movement toward that stage of thinking by adding one word to a conversation when a child seems to be trapped on one side of an issue. That word? And. Say it as a question and repeat it at least once after the child has talked a bit more about their side of the issue before pointing out an alternated point of view.

See this recent parenting  blog post “Six Ways to Teach Your Child Control” for  more tips about control.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO

Remember sharing is caring and the easiest way to practice kindness is to share this post if you found it helpful.  Share it even if it doesn’t speak to you, it will speak to some. Didn’t like it?  Comment and tell me why and how to improve.

Katherine

This post was inspired by this WordPress Daily Prompt; Red Pill, Blue Pill by Michelle W. If you could get all the nutrition you needed in a day with a pill — no worrying about what to eat, no food preparation — would you do it?

My response? To follow my own advice about pursuing the middle path. I love cooking some of the time,  hate it others time, and I love the taste of good food. So I would like a pill that I could use for some meals, but the right to cook or eat food when I wanted to.

OTHER LINKS OF INTEREST

These links are for those not familiar with Emotional Intelligence or the idea of Emotional Fitness.