UNCERTAINTY PAINS

The more we know about what drives us,  the stronger our #emotionalintelligence. Uncertainty drives much behavior.

Uncertainty rules

Emotional Fitness Thoughts and Tips

Guru and retired Harvard Researcher Jerome Kagan centered much of his research on how uncertainty twists our thinking, lets emotions rule, and is a major source of anger, fear, depression or despair.

He points out that much of an ‘infant’s time is spent taking in information from the surrounding environment. This leads to beliefs that “What is ought to be.”  Once such a belief forms it is held to with great subborness.

Understanding this idea about how our brains get programmed, makes it much easier to understand why abused children seem to invite abuse by being  or in time more easily become victims of domestic abuse as adults. How ?  One of my many foster children, explained it to my husband and I when we first struggled with learning to care for previously abused children.

Here is what he said, “You treat us better than our parents, that hurts, be more like them, smack us around once in a while.”

His hurt was the uncertainty created about whether his and the other foster children were loved by their parents.  Of course, most were. However, because that love came with abuse, the children believed “Abuse was part of love.”

Our refusal to smack our foster children around challenged those this idea about the meaning of love creating doubt and uncertainty  about whether their parents loved them.  Much of our foster children’s behavior was their efforts to  get us to behave more like their parents. The more we could be made punishing and seen as mean, the less our foster children were forced to doubt their parents love.

Kagan makes the point such uncertainty leads to what he calls “The Need to Resolve” uncertainty.  He believes that after survival needs this need is as strong and sometimes stronger than sexual desire.

Kagan also points out that there are four ways humans tend to resolve uncertainty. They are:

  1. Ignoring any source creating doubt.  Think of people not watching news or not learning the ins and outs of the internet.
  2.  Angry blaming of anyone or anything creating doubt.  Think of throwing a smart phone across the room because it makes you feel dumb. Think of prejudices particularly against religions do not believe as you do.
  3. Blaming yourself and thinking you are incompetent or stupid.  Think of the throwing the Smart phone across the room and then getting depressed for being so dumb.  Then think of feeling dumb because a seven year old can operate your new Smart phone and you cannot. Religions foster uncertainty by the belief bad things happen as punishments of individual or group sins.
  4. Despair and giving up on large and small tasks.  Think of going back to a land line because you don’t think you can learn to use a Smart Phone.  Think of deciding peace on earth is not possible.

What to do? The first step in not letting doubt and uncertainty rule your behavior is to accept that it does.  So the next time you feel angry, stupid, incompetent, or like giving up, ask how the feeling relates to uncertainty.  That’s the beginning. More next post.

 STAY STRONG

Nothing makes us doubt all we know ,more than pain. The more intense the pain, the greater the uncertainty. Don’t agree?

Think of  the almost constant cry from those suffering,  “What did I do to deserve this?”

If we can figure out something we did, we feel more in control of our lives and are less plagued by doubt. Reality Check: Bad things happen sometimes because you did the wrong thing, but much of the time because you are not the controller of all that happens.

Think for a few minutes about the downside of controlling everything? Not good, better to stay closely focuses on what is actually yours to control. Much less than you think.

Thank you for all you do, enjoy and be grateful for all you have been given, practice kindness, like, share or comment.

Katherine

WORD PRESS DAILY PROMPT

This post relates to this DAILY PROMPT : When was the last time you watched something so scary, cringe-worthy, or unbelievably tacky — in a movie, on TV, or in real life — you had to cover your eyes?

My reply: Real life is very scary these days. Turn on the news or surf the social media and you will find yourself turning away.  I do. Three things bother me the most:

  1. The pictures of the innocents dying as war makes it way across our world.
  2. The pictures of abused animals.
  3. The one sided thinking and blaming rants of all fanatics.

I don’t look at the pictures, but I do try to persuade those who see only one side of any dispute to spend a moment or two pondering “What if” the other side has more truth than you side.

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 IMAGE BY mchumor.com

 

 

 

GIVE LOVE A CHANCE

Who do you hate?  Where did you learn that hatred. Hatred destroys your heart, so improve your #emotionalintelligence and learn to love even those you hate.

You've got to be taught to hate.

emotional fitness THOUGHTS AND TIPS

Human nature is such that we fear what is different.  If that fear gets linked to  personal internal hurts , hatred brews. Here are five common  examples of what I mean by internal hurts.

  1. You judge yourself as less smart, less strong, less talented than a person of difference.
  2. You have less wealth than a person of a difference.
  3. A person of difference beats you in a race, a game.
  4. A person of difference seems more respected by others than you feel respect you.
  5. Your view of your higher power is challenged by a different one.

Hatred brews more easily when the voices around you promote hatred and join hands with your personal hurt. The more voices preaching hate, the easier it is to justify your hate.

Some cultures raise their children on hatred of difference. Some do it directly.  Go here to see  what one group teaches its children. Others do it less directly. How? Think of any group that says those who believe differently are damned and doomed to spend eternity in hell. Also think of media messages that promote competition or divisiveness.

I think of the Long Island Railroad mass killer Colin Ferguson as someone whose hatred festered because of failed dreams, personal hurts, the slings and arrows of thoughtless other people, and of the preachings of hatred. Born in Jamaica, he came to the USA expecting to find great success, freedom and tolerance. He did not find success, he found racism, and he heard the preachings of hate groups.

It is a testimony to the goodness of most people that meeting with the same conditions, they do not turn murderous.

Hatred involves twisted thinking.  Here is a list of such   fallaciesThe fallacies most at play in hatred of differences are  incorrectly linking cause and effect, generalizing, and ad hominem.

To remind yourself to work at learning love, download today’s free  poster coach about learning love and post it where you  will see it.  when you see it, recite Hammerstein’s lyrics to shut out thoughts of hate.

STAY STRONG

The more you have been taught to hate differences, the harder it will be to learn love.  However, if the world is going to move past war, loving difference is essential.   Make learning to love  one of your life’s missions.

A brief Torah lesson.  The letter twelve in Hebrew stands for diversity, for example the twelve tribes. The letter for thirteen is a sacred letter and stands for oneness meaning the source of all.  Idol worship as taught by the Jewish Sages refers to the splitting of the sacred into the twelve and worshipping not the oneness of all, but one or another part or piece or tribe.

Thank you for all you do, enjoy and be grateful for all you have been given, practice kindness, like, share or comment.

Katherine

WORD PRESS DAILY PROMPT

This post relates to this DAILY PROMPT : Object Lesson - Sherlock Holmes had his pipe. Dorothy had her red shoes. Batman had his Batmobile. If we asked your friends what object they most immediately associate with you, what would they answer?

I would hope mine would be the peace symbol.

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 IMAGE BY Emotional Fitness Training, Inc.  Free download.

Strong feelings? How strong?

#EmotionalIntelligence depends on the ability to both recognize what you are feeling and to keep tabs on that feeling’s strength.

Emotional Fitness Training and #Emotional Intelligence explained.

Here’s another feeling thermometer:

#emotionalintelligence blog post #anger management feeling thermometer

This is available free as a digital download Poster Coach at the EFTI Store. Printing it up and posting where you will see it throughout your day will boost your awareness of what you are feeling.

EMOTIONAL FITNESS  TIPS

Tip one: Any feeling can be rated and the best rating is on a personal feeling thermometer. How to create one? Easy.  Follow these steps.

  1. Take a blank sheet of paper and draw a thermometer along the left hand side.  Divide it into ten readings.
  2. Decide whether the feeling you want to measure revs you up in all the wrong ways or shuts you down.
  3. Recall the worse behavior that feeling enticed you into doing. That is your extreme rating.
  4. Recall times that feeling could not ruffle your feathers. That is the opposite extreme rating.
  5. Fill in each point between the two extremes.
  6. Add names and feeling clues to each point. A feeling clue is anything that tells you the feeling is visiting at a certain level. Self-talk is one type of feeling clue; bodily sensations another.

Tip Two:  Post this where you will see it regularly and when you see it, ask your self what you are feeling and how strongly.

Tip Three: Use another regularly occurring event to signal you to take a feeling temperature. The ringing cell phone for example.

Tip four: For more detailed advice about improving your feeling awareness buy EFTI’s eBook Know Your Feelings , Become a Feeling Detective   It costs less than a latte or a big Mac.

Remember you don’t need a Kindle or other electronic book reader to read Kindle books. Amazon gives you a free application that lets you read their eBooks on-line. 

 STAY STRONG

I hope you find my posts of value.  If you do,  practice internet kindness by liking, rating, commenting, or sharing.

Thank you for all you do and as always work to stay strong, which while is not  easy, more possible than you might think.

Love all,

Katherine

The Daily Prompt for July 17th,2014 did not inspire this post.  That prompt: Nosey Delights: From the yeasty warmth of freshly baked bread to the clean, summery haze of lavender flowers, we all have favorite smells we find particularly comforting. What’s yours?

However, let me point out that a smell can be a feeling clue and smells that calm are important emotional fitness tools.

LINKS AND ARTICLES OF INTEREST

Images are by Emotional FItness Training Inc. and can be downloaded free at the EFTI Store. 

Sexy daydreams (fictional encounters)

Even while  pushing 80, I fantasize encounters out side of the bonds of marriage; in those encounters no need to worry about safe sex rules which are:

ready for sex postser.Actually I made the above poster for parents of teens. But the rules apply to everyone, so I am posting it here and on my Parents Are People Too Blog.

Thank you WordPress Daily Prompt for making today’s post so easy.  That prompt: Go down the rabbit hole with Alice; play quidditch with Harry Potter; float down the river with Huck Finn… If you could choose three fictional events or adventures to experience yourself, what would they be?

The sex scene in Juliet in Zefereli’s Romeo and Juliet sex scene, Scarlett O’Hara being swept off her feet by Rhett Butler in Gone With the Wind; Replacing any of Johnny Depp’s lovers but he will be Don Juan DeMarco not a pirate. Need I say more.

EMOTIONAL FITNESS THOUGHT AND TIP

One of the way priests and other control seekers gain power is by declaring thoughts the same as deeds.  Caused former President James Carter to confess to sinning.  His sin: He lusted after other women in his heart.   No sin in my book.

Then there were any number of presidents who did more than lust in their hearts. As I don’t know the exact nature of their sexual contracts with their partners and sexual contacts, I withhold judgement.

Tip one: If not lusting in your heart keeps you from acting badly, lust away.

Tip two: If you do more than lust in your heart at least follow my safe sex rules.

Tip three: If a parent, teach your version of the safe sex rules, but be alert to the power of desire.  Do so with a matter-of-fact attitude, rather than hell and damnation threats.

STAY STRONG

Few things require more thinking about than our sexual desires.  Some say men in particular tend to think with two heads and the one between their legs often rules.  As sexual tensions build, that head takes over more and more. Which is why I personally believe enjoying sexual fantasies and even indulging in the too often forbidden pleasures of masturbation might do more to bring peace on earth than trying to repress such  thoughts or deeds.

If this offends you, apologies. However, do think a bit about why and then about how helping all find safe release from the build up of sexual tensions might  help create peace on earth.

I hope you find my posts of value.  If you do,  practice internet kindness by liking, rating, commenting, or sharing.  Even if you dont’ agree, comments are welcome.

Thank you for all you do and as always work to stay strong, which while is not  easy, more possible than you might think.

Love all,

Katherine

LINKS AND ARTICLES OF INTEREST

 IMAGE from: The EFTIStore Website